I watch a show called Random Acts, where they “do nice things for nice people”. Anyone can nominate someone they feel is deserving of a random act of kindness. The episode I just finished, really hit home with me.
The act was for a young girl, who has a love for aerobatic performing (I guess that’s the term?), who was traumatized by an undisclosed act of bullying. Her father mentioned her having night terrors, and everyone involved noticed that, a once happy child, was withdrawn and not as happy. It happens far too often.
This little girl was able to fight her way back to who she really is, thanks to the fact that she first came forward about what was happening to her. She began being more lively, happy, and had gone back to herself.
I looked at this child, and was actually bitter about my own experiences. But then I remembered... This isn’t the 90’s, anymore. There’s more awareness, more help, more encouragement to come forward.
My life was pure, unadulterated hell because of certain members of my family, and one POS, who then got her followers to treat me the same. I’m over 30, and I still have night terrors. Yes, I’ve worked on much of my past, and have been able to make it over one mountain after another. But the fact remains, I was treated like, and lead to believe I was, useless, disposable, and not worth anything. Not just outside home, either...
But the thing that really connected me to this girl, was her love of dance and performing. She absolutely shone on that stage!
For me, growing up, I always say I had two lives: One at school/home/church, and one at dance. Dance was my escape from everything and everyone. Yes, I danced on a team, but these were girls I didn’t know outside that studio (for the most part, anyhow), and therefore weren’t subject to two narcissists’, and POS’s mind-control tactics, so they judged me on who I was, not what these useless humans said I was.
Yes, many adults knew what was going on, and tried to intervene. My mom tried talking to POS’s useless mom, which went about as well as you’d expect from the wording of this sentence. One of my teachers actually pulled POS aside, once, stared her in the face, and said, “I don’t like you”. But there wasn’t the help there is today.
Example: When I was in fourth grade, the Cracker Jack school psychologist decided that I was, in fact, the problem, stating that it was me who couldn’t get along with them. Yes, really. Her solution was to sit me in her office, and leave me there, all day long, for weeks on end, while giving me my schoolwork with no instruction or help. I didn’t get to go to recess, or even lunch. I was in there the entire day. I was being punished for being bullied. And POS got away with it.
Things she, my so-called sister, and the jackass narcissist have done, still haunt me. Jackass is probably the entire reason that, to this day, I can’t stand up for myself. Princess narcissist is the reason I’m super self-conscious about literally every move I make (“your handwriting is ugly”, “your face is making ugly looks”, “you can’t like that”, “that’s stupid that you do this”), and POS is the reason I have some serious trust issues.
The funny thing about trauma from bullying is that, it’s that you remember; the people who defended you; the good times you had, even with them existing; every waking moment that they weren’t there to torture you... Those memories don’t stick. I can remember almost everything these useless humans have said, but the good times without them... Those memories are more sparse.
I’m glad there’s the help there is, today! And I’m thankful for the therapists I’ve had, who have helped me get to where I’m at! Trauma is permanent. Fact. But it doesn’t have to control your life, forever.
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