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I'm on a mission to save the world! Or maybe just to find the perfect mac and cheese.
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Friday, August 28, 2015

Just Existing

Am I still breathing?

I have been numb the last couple of days. Well... until something agitates me (which is happening a lot). It doesn't have to be big; even something as simple as someone not signaling on the road (which happens here more than anywhere else I've been).

My father, however, is constantly my biggest trigger. Story: When my "sister" moved in, all my storage was in her old bedroom, so it all had to be moved. It was only in there because my father has cluttered up our basement to the point that it looks like an episode of Hoarders. Most of my things were blessed with a bit of space in this hellhole, but some boxes were left upstairs in the family room. They're still in the family room. I just tripped on one. He's just now, after five or six weeks, thinking about putting it downstairs. Why now? Because I pitched a fit. Side note: Ignoring the needs of others until they get angry (and you know this will happen) is emotional abuse.

I'm exhausted. I'm not sleeping well, people are getting on my nerves, and the word "happy" hasn't been in my vocabulary for a while. The only feeling I can actually pinpoint that I've felt in a few days is "agitated" (and all its synonyms). Other than that, I simply exist. I've been reaching, trying to think my way into some kind of feeling, but I'm at a loss. I went a few places today, and couldn't even force a smile. Not even one of those, "I-feel-like-crap-but-it's-not-your-fault-so-I'm-going-to-try-my-best" smiles. I hate doing that. I will always be polite because you never know if the person at the checkout is having a hard time as well.

I'm starting a new job next week and I'm terrified that this won't be over. Side note: This job falls into the category of "good" because it has minimal social interaction!

Anyway... I heard this song for the first time today and instantly bought it. I'm an addict (and can't think of a song to go with the subject because my brain shut off).

"Honey I'm Good"~ Andy Grammer

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