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Saturday, April 30, 2016

Rapid Cycles

Roller coasters are fun, right?

So,  I saw my my med manager last week and she added an antidepressant to my mix. Now, I'm not sure if the meds could already be working or if it's just the end of my normal cycle, but I'm up and down every five minutes. 

I don't know about everyone else, but when I'm coming out of a depression, I cycle ridiculously fast. Not that my cycles are ever particularly long, but this is worse. I've quite literally clocked some of the swings at five minutes each. 

Bad segue in 3... 2... 1...

I'm kind of feeling pressured lately to write these amazing posts that are eye opening and educational. I've had 3 people this week tell me they've been recently diagnosed and are asking for advice. I'm not exactly the great advice giving kind of person. I never have been. So forgive me if my posts suffer for awhile until I get this pressure off me. 

Bad segue in 3... 2... 1...

Does anyone else hate hearing stories of people who function just fine with mental illness, or is that just me? It makes me feel inadequate. Like I should be doing more when I literally can't. It makes me feel bad when I hear that Mr. Smith has Bipolar Disorder but works 60 hours a week at the business he owns and has a wife and  three kids. Especially when my family and friends tell me. Like they're comparing me to these functioning people or telling me I'm not enough. 

Anyway, I'm done for today. Hope everyone is doing great! And if you're not, just remember that there's always sunshine and popsicles after each storm.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Black Sails, White Rabbits Pt. 3


So I got on a major reading kick and managed to finish "Black Sails, White Rabbits" in one sitting. I know I said I'd do it in phases, but I just couldn't put it down! There's nothing more captivating that the raw emotion that Kevin puts into this story of his!

If you enjoy reading about struggles overcome put in a humorous way, I highly suggest you read this! Between the Bipolar Disorder and cancer, I honestly have zero idea how this author has kept his spirits up, but he has. In fact, he messages me every day, just to keep my spirits up!

If I had to say my favorite part of this book, it still has to be how he described how fun it is to mess with the orderlies in the psych ward. I laugh every time I think about it!

Thank you, Kevin A. Hall, for giving us this gem! It was truly a pleasure reading through your journey.

You can find "Black Sails, White Rabbits: Cancer Was The Easy Part" on Amazon in paperback and Kindle edition. Again, I highly recommend it!

Correct me if I'm wrong, but this song (the chorus anyway) makes me think of you, Kevin! "Hold on for one more day."

"Hold On"~ Wilson Phillips

Sunday, April 24, 2016


Well poop...

This weekend has been horrible. Well... mostly.

On Friday, I had to say goodbye to my therapist as she's graduating and moving up in the world. It's ultra sad since she's one of only two who have actually been good. That night, I had a date (weird, I know). I had a good time, and he said he did as well, but I sent him a text yesterday and haven't heard back. This, of course, sent me into a spiral of "why don't people like me" and "nobody ever gives me a second chance." True though. I'll meet someone, they make their snap judgments, and I don't get a second chance at anything.

Yesterday, on the other hand, was good (well... until the spiral)! One of my best friends is in town and we went to see the new Jungle Book and then had dinner. It was super fun! Side note: If you're on the fence on whether or not to see it, do it. It doesn't disappoint! It was nice to just forget about everything for awhile.

So I guess it was 33% good, 66% bad, and 1% numb. There's always that numb for me. Usually when I'm sleeping... On the bright side, the good time I had qualifies as a whole 33%! That doesn't always happen.

Now to see what today brings. So far, so good...

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Raises and Drops

Up, up, and away!

So I got my meds raised again today. My med manager says that after this raise, I'll basically be maxed out on this particular medication. I just don't see that meds help me. I still have drastic ups and downs that are difficult to handle. My depression is back which kept me from work and is going to keep me from seeing a friend tonight. 

When I was at my appointment today, my med manager noticed that I wasn't myself. I noticed the depression coming, I just didn't pay it much attention. 

According to one person I have no choice but to see (not my med manager. She rocks!), I have the power to overcome these debilitating swings with positive thinking. Key word "debilitating." This woman is nice, but she's obviously never been depressed in her life and she's sure shootin' not dealing with Bipolar Disorder! 

Ok, if I can "overcome" my mood swings by pure thought, then a diabetic can manage their glucose levels by just thinking the right number, right? That's not how this works people! You'd think that someone who works at the mental health clinic would grasp this concept.

I'm just tired of trying every drug available and it not doing a single thing. I'm tired of trying, period. I've been doing therapy on and off since I was fourteen. I've been drug jumping for years. Nothing seems to be helping. I'm about ready to simply give up.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

I'm British-ish

England is depressed.

I was just thinking about how my moods are like England's weather. It's mostly grey and rainy with a few spots of sunshine. 

Why was I thinking about this? Because I was talking to one of my good friends who said that storms pass then there's sunshine and popsicles. I, of course, had to counter that with more storms come. Poof! England.

Needless to say, I'm not feeling the greatest today. I had an appointment that never makes me feel good, then I came home to find that, despite me asking repeatedly that he not, my mother's husband had moved my stuff. I've officially taken to calling him my mother's husband instead of father. When he decides to act like a father, he'll earn the title back. Until then, he's just a pain in my neck that I wish would disappear.

I texted that friend and said that I'd never wanted to put a gun to my head more than I did right now. He's got a different approach to talking me down. I like it. He never makes me feel crazy. He's kind of a "say it as it is" type person. Sometimes less than helpful, but great when you've got tunnel vision. Thanks, friend.

And thus ends my rant. 

Saturday, April 16, 2016


Here we go again...

Lately I've been crying a lot. Mostly, this is done in the cover of night. I've been visably upset for a while, yet nobody bothers to ask if I'm alright. I know when I text some people, it's obvious. Yet I never get anyone asking.

I've got the pills I need to supposedly "fix" myself, but nothing's working. Maybe if I take all of them at the same time. Yeah... that'd fix it. I wouldn't feel anything then.

I'm so blasted tired of having to put on the "Facebook face." Smiles, happy moments, fake everything. It's gotten to a point that, when I post something real on Facebook, it gets ignored. Nobody wants to see the real me. Nobody cares that I'm dying inside. They just want to know that it's spring and isn't it lovey outside? 

Nobody's even noticed that I haven't blogged in a while. I'm not the person people care about. If others don't care about me, why should I care about me? 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Black Sails, White Rabbits Pt 2

Chapters 11-20

Dude... you just put words to every one of our feelings. "I gritted my teeth and pretended I didn't have feelings..." I don't know about the rest of you, but I've felt this way my whole life. Well, the majority of it anyway. When you're punished in some way or another for having emotions, you tend to grit your teeth and pretend you don't have any.

In some of the later chapters, we get to hear more about Kevin's adventures with cancer. How on earth he could stick to his medication regimen and stay mentally healthy while going through a hell like that is way beyond me. Kudos, man! Not being a man myself, I can't even imagine the emotional trauma of losing something like that. And wanting to get right back up to training right after surgery?! Good night, man! I can't decide if this man is a masochist or someone to be admired!

Basically, I'm in awe that, through all the physical trauma of cancer and surgery, Kevin maintained his mental health. This is something I have personally never been able to do. If I even get a cold, I get so annoyed and want to stop my meds. I guess I have nothing to complain about now.

This book and this author continue to inspire me. I may be slow at reading, but that just means I get more out of it, right?

Friday, April 1, 2016

Black Sails, White Rabbits Pt 1

Chapters 1-10

I began reading today, and all I can say is wow! Ok, it's not all I can say. In fact, I have a lot to say.

Kevin A. Hall first hits us with a true, and slightly terrifying example of what it's like inside one of his episodes. To feel like you're constantly being watched, let alone filmed is just a scary thought to me. This type of thinking/symptom has been dubbed the "Truman Show Delusion." If you've seen the movie, you know why.

From there, his account gets incredibly personal, revealing, and blunt. From what the episode looks like, to the cops, to (and I quote) how fun it is "to just stare deeply into the little cup at the pills and see how agitated you can get the orderlies before finally tossing it all back like a shot of tequila." I laughed a little too hard at that part.

Kevin is open about, not just his battle with Bipolar, but his bouts with cancer as well. He bluntly states how, "...hearing about how something must have 'really taken balls' doesn't clang the same way it clangs once you have none."

I don't fully understand everything Kevin has gone through, not having gone through it myself, but the same mania and depression exist in all those diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. His sense of humor in the dim light of his circumstances, I believe, is something we can all learn from. I look forward to reading more of this incredible (and funny) story!