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Tuesday, July 15, 2014

It's under there. HA! You said underwear!

"You need to grow up!"

Umm... excuse me? First of all, nobody tells me what I need to do. Second, just, look... I may not act the way other people in their late 20's act, but most people my age aren't dealing with something that, if they put too much thought into, would kill them. Their minds are filled with things like marriage, kids, rent, bills, careers, and success in life. My mind is a mine field. If I make one wrong step, I could explode. I have to constantly monitor what I think and how I feel.

Before I was finally diagnosed, I used to be surprised by my moods. I mean, I would think that I was fine, but then when I started talking, I seemed aggravated. The opposite would often happen as well. I had a therapist tell me to keep a mood diary. Every 5 minutes, asses how I felt and what I was thinking. I guess it worked because now it's an automatic thought. I actually notice what's going on inside my head.

Even now tho, I look at my family and friends and wonder what it's like to be "normal." Then I realised something... I didn't have a psychotic break like everyone else. Bipolar didn't just appear one day for me. I was born with this. My whole life has been a swirling vortex of emotional hell.

Side note: It's unknown the exact percentage of people born with it, but it's rare.

Ok, the way I imagine normal people is basically that they don't feel anything unless it's good or bad. Like, just sitting there reading or watching TV, they don't feel anything, but when they're with friends, they're happy, and at a funeral, they're sad. I'm probably wrong, but that's what I imagine. And that actually kind of scares me. Since I've been like this my entire life, feeling something strong all the time, feeling nothing is scary to me.

That got way off topic! Sorry! So, the reason society has deemed me immature is because, sure, I act like I'm maybe 16, but if I "grew up" and started acting my age, I'd have a breakdown. I can't handle what my brain does so I suppress it with childishness. Deal with it.

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