Nighttime

Winter.

Have I mentioned lately exactly how much I loathe this season? It's dark, it's cloudy, we've been dumped on by snow like three times since Christmas, and then there's the cold. The thing I hate most of all: the darkness. I've said before about how I hate darkness, and tonight is no better.

Today was pretty chill. My poor mom was home sick so there was a lot of TV watching and some time to read. Then came the call I'd been waiting for for two years... I have a hearing date for disability benefits! I was so excited! Then came the darkness...

Nighttime has a way of bringing out the depression in most people, and I'm no exception. As soon as the lights went out, my mind began to spin and my failed life came to the forefront. I mean, look at me. I can't handle going to school, let alone hold a job. The only times I get out of the house are with my mom, my weekly date with my friend, and to get to the clinic. Except I won't be going to any clinic until next month... I got an intake appointment with the biggest clinic in the valley on the ninth and I have no idea when I'll be assigned a therapist or med manager. Good thing I've got refills on my meds!

Besides not getting out much, I've succumbed to the fact that I will never marry. I'm going to die alone. Why? Well partly because I don't get out, and partly because nobody could handle me. I've heard from therapists and med managers alike that my moods are more extreme than others. I can barely deal with it, so how can I expect anyone else to? 

I really hate darkness.