Eww

There are so many illnesses and disorders. There’s no way to keep them all straight.

So, quite a while ago, I had Dr Oz on as background noise, when I heard two words: skin picking.

My first thought was, “Umm... ew.” He brought to the stage a woman who had her arms and legs fully covered. He asked if she would be comfortable showing her skin so we could see what this skin picking looks like. When she showed the camera, my thought changed to, “Oh. That’s what my arms look like.”

I’ve been picking at my arms, on and off, for years. They look absolutely awful. Open sores covered in bandages, scars at various levels of red, and the self-conscious thoughts that everyone is staring.

I did my research, and found out that this particular mental illness is associated with OCD, but no known actual cause for it. And it affects women more than men. 

Naturally, I didn’t want to add this to my already long list of diagnoses. Who would? But I couldn’t deny it anymore. I decided I was tired of looking like a leper, and even more tired of the pain. So, I tried to think of something I could do. Then it hit me: Sleeves.

Keep in mind, that I have never liked long sleeves. Even in the dead middle of winter, my sleeves are pushed up to my elbows. I just hate them. So, I thought, what about something tight? Something that I couldn’t push out of the way? So I found some light compression sleeves.

I have had these on for just four days, but holy cannoli! The redness is way down, and the open spots are actually healing! 

No, this is neither a cure, nor medical advice. But it’s a start. For me, at least. If you’re one of the not-so-blessed, I’d really suggest you try the simple, quick fix until you can get the help you need.

Read more here:

The Battle Continues

I just received this message from Cigna:

Hello Rie,

The pharmacy team has responded and states the following:

After further review of the coverage details for each medication listed, the Quetiapine 400 is the only medication with a Prior Authorization Approved, effective 1-1-20 until 1-30-21. 

All other medications, will require Prior Authorization approval. The Health Care Professional should contact the Express Scripts Coverage Review Department at 1-877-813-5595. 

I would be happy to help facilitate the authorizations if you provide me the name and phone number of the prescribing doctor(s).

This was my response:

I’m aware that they require prior authorization. The problem is that the doctor who prescribed my LIFE-SAVING inhaler, is no longer in practice, and therefore cannot request the PA. This has been explained REPEATEDLY to Cigna employees who are, as I said before, not interested in actually helping people, but simply following marching orders. If I cannot refill the Symbicort, I will have a massive asthma attack and wind up in hospital. But no... Cigna doesn’t care about that. They just care that an extremely common medication isn’t on their extremely small formulary. During this time, especially, asthma medications are paramount to keeping asthmatics healthy. What do you think will happen if I, am asthmatic, is exposed to COVID-19? There is a high possibility that I can wind up in the ICU with machines breathing for me. But again, Cigna doesn’t care about that. They just care about making people jump through as many hoops as possible. As I have said REPEATEDLY, I do have an appointment with a new doctor, but not until May 15. I made this appointment more than 3 months ago, and this was her first opening. I have exactly one week left of my LIFE-SAVING inhaler. Cigna, as a customer-based company, needs to refill it. If the new doctor wishes me to continue with Symbicort, she will request your precious prior authorization at that time. I think Cigna can afford to cover this ONE medication, this ONE time, don’t you? I will await the call from the pharmacy, telling me I have a prescription. This message will come before the weekend. I really don’t want to involve the insurance commissioner, so get on this ASAP.

Thank you

I’m in for the fight with these unhelpful automatons.

Repeating History

I’d welcome you back, but I’d really like to sleep.

Before I was properly medicated, I’d go days, sometimes weeks, without much sleep. Sometimes I’d get none at all during that time. It’s been quite some time, now, that I’ve been sleeping. How normal my schedule has been is up for debate; sometimes sleeping too much, odd hours, or surviving on just seven hours with meds that knock me out for nine or ten.

It really started last Sunday night. I woke up early Monday morning, after what my Fitbit says was seven and a half hours of sleep, and wasn’t tired at all during the day. 

Fast forward to now... 

It’s well past midnight, here, and I’m not tired. I laid in bed for round about an hour before giving up and getting up.

“You can get so much done!” Right. With two sleeping people just down the hall. That’s not going to happen.

I did do something, though. I’ll only mention it, not spending anything more than this link: 

Mystery link (this is not for this blog, but for my other blog)

So, here I am. Middle of the night, not tired, with nothing to do.

Believe it or not, just because those going through a manic episode don’t require much sleep, doesn’t make it healthy. Your body and brain need that time to reset. If you’ve been through a major manic episode, going ten or more days with little sleep, you know what happens. That’s right, folks... Hallucinations! That goes for anyone who keeps themselves awake that long, actually.

I’m tapped out of things to say. 

Are You Cursed

I sent this as an email to Cigna. If you have been cursed with what is quite possibly the world’s worst insurance company, feel free to copy and paste this (replace my name with yours) and send it to: LetUsHelpU@cigna.com. 

Add any flourishes you like.

My name is Rie. I had your company dropped in my lap without choice. Ever since you took over, I’ve been able to fill maybe 2 of my usual medications without having to beg for your grace. You are a pain to deal with, as your employees are not interested in helping, but merely following marching orders. In case you weren’t aware, when someone finds a medication that actually works, for one condition or another, it cannot simply be replaced by what you consider to be a comparable drug. Doctors prescribe a certain drug because, believe it or not, they know what they’re doing. You, as an insurance company, do not know the ins and outs of the delicate balance of chemicals needed for each person. You are, by far, the WORST company I’ve ever had to deal with. And I deal with GOVERNMENT! If you continue to decline the medications that were prescribed to me by a knowledgeable medical professional, I will be compelled to contact the insurance commissioner. Repeatedly. 

Hope that you are well,

Rie

Stupid Stigmas

Rant incoming...

Mental illness is not the same as evil. I’ve said this before, and you can bet I’ll say it again and again. I’ll shout it from every mountain top until people stop thinking they’re the same thing.

Mental illness is painful. Fact. Some illnesses create anger in its victims. How that person expresses that anger is mostly on that person. Once they figure out how to treat and control their illness, that is.

I have seen far too many horrific crimes, mostly murders, blamed on Bipolar Disorder. But I have yet to meet another person with it who is, or ever has been, violent. And I’ve met plenty of my fellow sufferers all over the world.

News media thrives on stirring up emotion. They’ll take one tiny detail, and use it to their advantage with no actual proof. 

So, this imaginary man who killed his family has suffered with Bipolar Disorder for years. True. But in this scenario, say he found out his wife was leaving him for another man, while taking the kids with. This enraged the man to the point of passion, and he kills them all. What the media won’t tell you is that this man has been medicated, stable, and not at an inpatient facility for twenty years. They do this to stir emotion. Anymore, the news outlets are nothing more than click bait.

They really don’t care that they’re perpetuating a very dangerous stigma. In today’s world, someone coming out as any of the LGBT labels is praised, while those diagnosed with even minor depression are in hiding. People are so afraid of those with mental illnesses that they’re willing to cut off lifelong friendships to escape the perceived danger.

Where are our allies? 

Where are the ones fighting for our lives? 

Where is the education about the realities of these illnesses?

Our parades? 

Our marches? 

Our flag?

Our right to be confident in public?

An Explanation

There isn’t a single word in any language to describe how I hate that sorry excuse of a human.

I’ve been waiting my whole life for the day my father dies. Hasn’t come yet. No, this is not spiteful, it’s out of self-preservation. He’s bullied and abused me my whole life, while his chosen, older child is praised for simply existing.

Older child was a druggie, smoked in high school (which got her arrested, and yes, I laughed), and was basically the kind of child every parent fears getting. No, I was not without fault or problems, but mine seemed to be fodder for his own entertainment.

I was born with Bipolar Disorder. I didn’t acquire it later in life. So, naturally, I was a difficult and angry child. My tantrums were legendary. However, instead of trying to calm me, he would make fun of me, and poke and prod until he was laughing hysterically and felt that his need for entertainment was fulfilled. And more often than not, he was the reason I was pitching a fit to begin with. Great father, eh? I can’t even tell you how many times I told him I wanted him to die. Mom always got mad when I would say it, but she didn’t understand why I did. 

Fun fact about narcissists: They pick on the empathetic people around them. The older child has as much empathy as her father, as she is also a narcissist. This kept her immune from the abuse. I’ve always been sympathetic and empathetic towards people. A narcissist isn’t born, they are made. I saw the pain in him. It was all over his face. He used this as kindling for what would become his raging fire against me. 

I haven’t said more than five words to him in over a year now. If I don’t tell him anything, he has no fuel. However, mom tells him everything, anyway. I try to not react to the crap that flows so fluently out of his mouth, but sometimes, it’s a lost cause. And his behaviors seem to have worsened in this last year, if that was even possible.

Nobody believes me when I tell them the things he’s done. They aren’t around all the time, so all they see is a funny guy. Yeah... he’s super funny. 24/7 jokes and what he considers to be clever comments. The only things he takes seriously are the perceived attacks on him. These include, but are not limited to: 

- Closing the basement door so the stench doesn’t come up.

- Mentioning, yet again, that his body odor stinks up the whole house after he exercises.

- Not laughing at every... single... joke.

- Pointing our that he has been told something before.

- (And my personal favorite) Pointing out that the basement is a mess.

Yes, he has done good things, but he’ll remind you of every single one. He worked extra overtime to buy me my beloved clarinet. This was shoved in my face for around ten years. Oh! And not to forget that I’m stuck living with my parents, and still financially dependent on them (despite my desire for independence). He said, and I quote, “Everything we buy you is a gift, and can be taken back at any time”. This statement came after I put a note on a soda saying it was mine. Mind you, he wouldn’t have drunk it anyhow. He just had to assert his perceived dominance.

So I will continue to wait for the day I am free of this (insert profanity of choice), praying it comes soon. Whether it be through death, or my ability to leave, I really don’t care at this point.