Do you ever think to yourself, "I'd love to punch that moron right in the face?" Well, for me, it's a pretty common thought. I never really thought anything of it, but I was talking to my therapist the other day and she suggested that I may have some anger issues. I wasn't all too surprised after I thought about it, honestly.
We talked about why and some things came up about that group, specifically that one girl, who bullied me all thru school. With that, I learned pretty quick to hold things in, but I over did it. I've held everything in for years. I've learned that this is a bad thing (duh!) because when I get even slightly angry, it doesn't stay level. I implode. I start to shake and basically act like Ray from Rainman. All agitated and antsy.
But it's not just that (insert demeaning expletive) that I'm angry at. I feel like I drew the short end of the stick. I got landed with a disorder that is so overwhelmingly painful that I can't hardly hold a job, boyfriend, or social life. On top of that, I've got the anxiety and a whole list of medical things. I feel like I got screwed in life and most of the time, I can't think of one single thing I have that's good.
A few days ago, I heard a woman give a speech about how she feels like she got screwed on talents. All her family and friends have these amazing talents like singing, dancing, crafts, and she had nothing. Then someone pointed out to her that she always knows just what to do to help someone, no matter the situation. That's how I feel most of the time. But when I actually think about it, growing up, I was on a dance team that usually took first place, I was second chair in an orchestra that every high school student in the district could audition for, and now, people all over the world are reading the words I write.
That last one is the most amazing thing to me! All my life, I've felt like I had no voice; like I was silenced somehow. This blog is my voice, and I'll keep talking as long as people keep listening.