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Monday, October 27, 2014

Tick, tick, tick...


So, today really shouldn't have happened. I would have been happy to go from October 26th straight to October 28th. Kind of like how tall buildings skip the 13th floor.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Like, Antarctica wrong. I don't know why, I just did. Then, as I was getting ready for work, I could feel the pressure building, albeit slowly. Now, normally I'd stay home when I feel like that because I know myself and how bad it could get, but I decided to go in anyway. I mean, it's only four and a half hours, right?

At work, I fought, I suppressed, and I managed to keep it hidden despite the near bursting pressure inside. My students didn't suspect a thing and the teachers I work with just thought I was unusually quiet. I found things to do that kept me away from pretty much everyone, but working in a school, human contact is inevitable.

When I got home, I had to call the Department of Workforce Services about my Medicaid application. As usual, the woman I talked to was what I've come to expect from years of government training. I actually hung up on her before I really lost it.

I had to let off steam, so I called my mom. Talking usually helps, but not this time. Then my dad came upstairs. He still hasn't learned that when I say, "don't talk to me," it's for his own protection. To be fair tho, most people haven't. But he didn't listen. He kept talking, and he said the one phrase that will make the pin strike the balloon... "calm down." I was literally screaming "STOP TALKING TO ME!" That was 6 hours ago... My throat still hurts.

This pressure had been building for a few days. I've released bits here and there by crying when nobody can see (again, I'll deny that with everything I have), but I can't seem to get this under control lately. I want to cry at least half the time, but nobody knows. The pain actually makes it hard to think so I have to work extra hard to understand things. The thoughts in my head have been getting darker and scarier. I'm actually afraid of myself. The only thing that keeps me from hurting myself is how much it would cost my family for a funeral.

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