So, there have been a few firsts for me lately. I've gotten to talk to someone who knows how I feel, I actually voiced the sentence "I have bipolar disorder," and I experienced the offending side of labeling someone with a mental illness.
I met a guy today who is funny, cute, easy to talk to, and also has bipolar. I was thrown back a bit when he told me that. It honestly made me a little uncomfortable for a minute. I mean, we've been texting for about a week now, and he never said anything, but when we met up today, the subject came up, and it weirded me out. (Yes, weirded is a word. I put it in my dictionary last week.)
Whenever I tell people, I can actually see them tense up and get uncomfortable. It's not difficult to spot. It's one of the first things you learn to see. I never thought that I'd be the one tensing up, though.
I mean, why should it make me uncomfortable? I'll tell you why... social conditioning. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... we are all taught that mental illness is shameful and something to be hidden and feared. It's not just something people who aren't affected learn, we all do. I was ashamed of myself for thinking that, because this amazing guy has an illness, I should be afraid of him.
I changed my thinking and we had a great time together! I just wonder how many opportunities to get to know amazing people that others miss because of this social conditioning.
I am not my illness.
Learn.
Understand.
Respect.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
Ring of Fire
I've posted about having no energy before, and yes, that is part of depression, but as we all know, depression is sadness. Today I'm depressed. I don't get this side of it very often. I'm more often than not in a hypo-manic or mixed state. I don't necessarily like feeling like that, but I must say... I hate this.
Let's take a ride into the twisted thing that is my mind... Like I said, I have no energy, and I talked about sleeping too much. That's so true right now. But I also just want to hide in a corner and cry. I'm also incredibly unfocused. It's taken literally ten minutes just to type this much. And I've noticed that I'm a serial pessimist today as well.
Now, I don't know about depression as a solo disorder, but for me, it's like I can feel my emotions physically as well as mentally. It's kinda difficult to explain, but when I have a breakdown, it physically hurts beyond any pain I've ever felt.
This is so scattered. I'm sorry!
Anyway... I know how to handle the hypo, mixed, and even the breakdowns, but this depression is kind of killing me. It's not like a normal low for me. I've not got the sense hopelessness that usually comes with this. I'm just tired, sad, and very cranky. I've been around a few friends today, but they had no clue. I said I didn't feel too well, but I still didn't act it. I'll more than likely never show any emotion to anyone but family. That's actually why it took so long to get a diagnosis.
Sorry. This is beyond scattered. But this blog is not only educational ;) it's also very cathartic for me.
Let's take a ride into the twisted thing that is my mind... Like I said, I have no energy, and I talked about sleeping too much. That's so true right now. But I also just want to hide in a corner and cry. I'm also incredibly unfocused. It's taken literally ten minutes just to type this much. And I've noticed that I'm a serial pessimist today as well.
Now, I don't know about depression as a solo disorder, but for me, it's like I can feel my emotions physically as well as mentally. It's kinda difficult to explain, but when I have a breakdown, it physically hurts beyond any pain I've ever felt.
This is so scattered. I'm sorry!
Anyway... I know how to handle the hypo, mixed, and even the breakdowns, but this depression is kind of killing me. It's not like a normal low for me. I've not got the sense hopelessness that usually comes with this. I'm just tired, sad, and very cranky. I've been around a few friends today, but they had no clue. I said I didn't feel too well, but I still didn't act it. I'll more than likely never show any emotion to anyone but family. That's actually why it took so long to get a diagnosis.
Sorry. This is beyond scattered. But this blog is not only educational ;) it's also very cathartic for me.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Thorns suck, but the Rose makes it worthwile
I just did something I have never been able to do before. I was able to email someone who also has Bipolar Disorder. Someone who knows how I think and feel. I think I may cry I'm so happy!
So, I know there are people out there who know all this, but I've never been able to talk to any of them! I've recently found out that I have a few friends with it also, but to be honest, it's a bit weird talking to them about it. I don't know why... it just is.
You may ask, "who is this mystery person?" (Alright. Let's face it, you weren't thinking that at all. But you are now! HA! I win!) She is the mother of a new friend of mine. I couldn't actually talk to her because she lives in England. But emails are almost as good!
Some of you may be wondering why this is such a big deal to me. Think of Helen Keller. She lived in a world completely isolated. People were always trying to make her understand things, but it never took. Then one day, she realised that the hand signs meant something. It's just like that for me. I've lived my whole life knowing that I'm different than everyone else. I've heard and read about others dealing with this, but it never truly sank in until I heard that my friend's mother has this as well.
I've never had a real support. I mean, my family and friends are great! But they can only sympathize, not empathize.
My point really is that, nobody should do this alone. Find someone who knows how you feel. A therapist, a friend, or even just a random blog you come across.
So, I know there are people out there who know all this, but I've never been able to talk to any of them! I've recently found out that I have a few friends with it also, but to be honest, it's a bit weird talking to them about it. I don't know why... it just is.
You may ask, "who is this mystery person?" (Alright. Let's face it, you weren't thinking that at all. But you are now! HA! I win!) She is the mother of a new friend of mine. I couldn't actually talk to her because she lives in England. But emails are almost as good!
Some of you may be wondering why this is such a big deal to me. Think of Helen Keller. She lived in a world completely isolated. People were always trying to make her understand things, but it never took. Then one day, she realised that the hand signs meant something. It's just like that for me. I've lived my whole life knowing that I'm different than everyone else. I've heard and read about others dealing with this, but it never truly sank in until I heard that my friend's mother has this as well.
I've never had a real support. I mean, my family and friends are great! But they can only sympathize, not empathize.
My point really is that, nobody should do this alone. Find someone who knows how you feel. A therapist, a friend, or even just a random blog you come across.
Friday, July 18, 2014
1... 2... 3...
Ok. I want to know who started the idea of counting sheep to fall asleep. I mean, doesn't counting keep you focused on something therefore keeping you awake? And why sheep?
So, something I have loads of trouble with is sleep. I can be completely knackered (like right now), but can't sleep no matter what I do. Nothing works. Counting sheep, trying to will myself into it, not even the heaviest sleeping pills work. No matter how tired I am, I'll just lie in bed, mind racing. On the flip side, there are times when I'm so tired that I can sleep for 16 hours. Neither is particularly fun.
But, as you've probably guessed, my sleeping pattern is based on my mood. When I can't sleep, it's not your typical insomnia (which I'm eternally grateful for!), it comes from the mania side. And when I sleep too much, it's not because I'm lazy, it's because I'm going through a depression.
I've spent the last week or so sleeping between 14 and 18 hours per day. I didn't want to get out of bed at all, but I did. I didn't really have much of a choice. I don't live in a hotel with room service and bedpans kind of freak me out. BUT... now I'm on the flip side and can't sleep despite being, like I said, completely knackered.
If anyone has any suggestions on a more even sleep pattern, I'd love to hear it! I'll try just about anything. Until then... 1 sheep... 2 sheep... 3 sheep... oh screw it. I'm going to go watch Doctor Who.
Allons-y!
So, something I have loads of trouble with is sleep. I can be completely knackered (like right now), but can't sleep no matter what I do. Nothing works. Counting sheep, trying to will myself into it, not even the heaviest sleeping pills work. No matter how tired I am, I'll just lie in bed, mind racing. On the flip side, there are times when I'm so tired that I can sleep for 16 hours. Neither is particularly fun.
But, as you've probably guessed, my sleeping pattern is based on my mood. When I can't sleep, it's not your typical insomnia (which I'm eternally grateful for!), it comes from the mania side. And when I sleep too much, it's not because I'm lazy, it's because I'm going through a depression.
I've spent the last week or so sleeping between 14 and 18 hours per day. I didn't want to get out of bed at all, but I did. I didn't really have much of a choice. I don't live in a hotel with room service and bedpans kind of freak me out. BUT... now I'm on the flip side and can't sleep despite being, like I said, completely knackered.
If anyone has any suggestions on a more even sleep pattern, I'd love to hear it! I'll try just about anything. Until then... 1 sheep... 2 sheep... 3 sheep... oh screw it. I'm going to go watch Doctor Who.
Allons-y!
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
It's under there. HA! You said underwear!
"You need to grow up!"
Umm... excuse me? First of all, nobody tells me what I need to do. Second, just, look... I may not act the way other people in their late 20's act, but most people my age aren't dealing with something that, if they put too much thought into, would kill them. Their minds are filled with things like marriage, kids, rent, bills, careers, and success in life. My mind is a mine field. If I make one wrong step, I could explode. I have to constantly monitor what I think and how I feel.
Before I was finally diagnosed, I used to be surprised by my moods. I mean, I would think that I was fine, but then when I started talking, I seemed aggravated. The opposite would often happen as well. I had a therapist tell me to keep a mood diary. Every 5 minutes, asses how I felt and what I was thinking. I guess it worked because now it's an automatic thought. I actually notice what's going on inside my head.
Even now tho, I look at my family and friends and wonder what it's like to be "normal." Then I realised something... I didn't have a psychotic break like everyone else. Bipolar didn't just appear one day for me. I was born with this. My whole life has been a swirling vortex of emotional hell.
Side note: It's unknown the exact percentage of people born with it, but it's rare.
Ok, the way I imagine normal people is basically that they don't feel anything unless it's good or bad. Like, just sitting there reading or watching TV, they don't feel anything, but when they're with friends, they're happy, and at a funeral, they're sad. I'm probably wrong, but that's what I imagine. And that actually kind of scares me. Since I've been like this my entire life, feeling something strong all the time, feeling nothing is scary to me.
That got way off topic! Sorry! So, the reason society has deemed me immature is because, sure, I act like I'm maybe 16, but if I "grew up" and started acting my age, I'd have a breakdown. I can't handle what my brain does so I suppress it with childishness. Deal with it.
Umm... excuse me? First of all, nobody tells me what I need to do. Second, just, look... I may not act the way other people in their late 20's act, but most people my age aren't dealing with something that, if they put too much thought into, would kill them. Their minds are filled with things like marriage, kids, rent, bills, careers, and success in life. My mind is a mine field. If I make one wrong step, I could explode. I have to constantly monitor what I think and how I feel.
Before I was finally diagnosed, I used to be surprised by my moods. I mean, I would think that I was fine, but then when I started talking, I seemed aggravated. The opposite would often happen as well. I had a therapist tell me to keep a mood diary. Every 5 minutes, asses how I felt and what I was thinking. I guess it worked because now it's an automatic thought. I actually notice what's going on inside my head.
Even now tho, I look at my family and friends and wonder what it's like to be "normal." Then I realised something... I didn't have a psychotic break like everyone else. Bipolar didn't just appear one day for me. I was born with this. My whole life has been a swirling vortex of emotional hell.
Side note: It's unknown the exact percentage of people born with it, but it's rare.
Ok, the way I imagine normal people is basically that they don't feel anything unless it's good or bad. Like, just sitting there reading or watching TV, they don't feel anything, but when they're with friends, they're happy, and at a funeral, they're sad. I'm probably wrong, but that's what I imagine. And that actually kind of scares me. Since I've been like this my entire life, feeling something strong all the time, feeling nothing is scary to me.
That got way off topic! Sorry! So, the reason society has deemed me immature is because, sure, I act like I'm maybe 16, but if I "grew up" and started acting my age, I'd have a breakdown. I can't handle what my brain does so I suppress it with childishness. Deal with it.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
I AM NOT BIPOLAR!
As a society, we have accepted something horrific that I really think needs to be fixed.
When diagnosed with a mental condition, we're told "you are bipolar." We have always accepted this as normal. Now, let's again turn it around to physical conditions. If you were told, "you are cancer," you would be offended, and rightfully so. So why is it that we just accept that we are bipolar? Because society sees mental conditions as something shameful that must be hidden.
Story: When I was 22, I began to seek help from a psychologist. I didn't tell anyone. Not my boyfriend, my friends, not even my family because I didn't really want to admit to myself that I had a problem, let alone let someone else know. I was ashamed that I couldn't handle this on my own. At that point, I didn't even know what it was. But even when I got the definitive diagnosis 2 years later, I hid it from my friends and family even more because of what I had seen in movies and on the telly. People acting in ways that made them look crazy.
When diagnosed with a mental condition, we're told "you are bipolar." We have always accepted this as normal. Now, let's again turn it around to physical conditions. If you were told, "you are cancer," you would be offended, and rightfully so. So why is it that we just accept that we are bipolar? Because society sees mental conditions as something shameful that must be hidden.
Story: When I was 22, I began to seek help from a psychologist. I didn't tell anyone. Not my boyfriend, my friends, not even my family because I didn't really want to admit to myself that I had a problem, let alone let someone else know. I was ashamed that I couldn't handle this on my own. At that point, I didn't even know what it was. But even when I got the definitive diagnosis 2 years later, I hid it from my friends and family even more because of what I had seen in movies and on the telly. People acting in ways that made them look crazy.
Bipolar does not equal crazy
So, what we need to do is stop accepting that if it's physical, it's something you have, but if it's mental, it's something you are. If you are suffering from any form of mental condition, stop telling yourself that you are and start telling yourself that you have!
Right here, right now, I'm telling you that I am NOT bipolar. I HAVE bipolar.
I am NOT:
Angry
Aggressive
Moody
Hyper
ADD
I AM:
Caring
Compassionate
Smart
Focused
Capable of doing whatever I put my mind to!
Friends, never again let anyone tell you that you are your mental condition.
"Today you are you;
That is truer that true.
There is no one alive
That is youer than you."
~Dr. Seuss
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Excuse me?
I just heard the most hilarious and insulting thing I've ever heard! I was explaining to my uncle my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, and his response made me speechless. He said, "You know, we're all Bipolar. We all have mood swings." Sorry, what? So, this post is dedicated to my ignorant uncle (I'll call him J).
So, J... tell me all about the highs. You feel so good that you feel like you could do anything? You're social? You laugh? You feel like nothing is bad in the world? Now, tell me about the lows. You're sad, yes? In despair? Can you see the end of the storm? And those times when you get nervous. There's a reason, yes? And you calm down pretty fast after whatever that reason has passed?
Now, J, tell me how much control you have over all these things.
How dare you presume to tell me that what I'm feeling is normal?!?! You would die if you felt one ounce of what I do on a daily basis! When I get highs, aka mania, sure I laugh and I get social, but I also overreact to everything. A funny joke can make me laugh so hard I hyperventilate. I too feel like there's nothing bad in the world, but the second I see, hear, or just think of something bad, I'm thrown into a pit with walls so high that I can't climb out of. I'm beyond sad. Despair is the biggest understatement in the world. I can't see the end of the storm, because I have fallen so low that I truly believe I'll never make it out. And sure, getting nervous is normal, but I can't control it. That nervous energy is a key factor in my mixed state.
I have no control over any of this.
Moral of the story: Don't speak unless you know what you're speaking about.
So, J... tell me all about the highs. You feel so good that you feel like you could do anything? You're social? You laugh? You feel like nothing is bad in the world? Now, tell me about the lows. You're sad, yes? In despair? Can you see the end of the storm? And those times when you get nervous. There's a reason, yes? And you calm down pretty fast after whatever that reason has passed?
Now, J, tell me how much control you have over all these things.
How dare you presume to tell me that what I'm feeling is normal?!?! You would die if you felt one ounce of what I do on a daily basis! When I get highs, aka mania, sure I laugh and I get social, but I also overreact to everything. A funny joke can make me laugh so hard I hyperventilate. I too feel like there's nothing bad in the world, but the second I see, hear, or just think of something bad, I'm thrown into a pit with walls so high that I can't climb out of. I'm beyond sad. Despair is the biggest understatement in the world. I can't see the end of the storm, because I have fallen so low that I truly believe I'll never make it out. And sure, getting nervous is normal, but I can't control it. That nervous energy is a key factor in my mixed state.
I have no control over any of this.
Moral of the story: Don't speak unless you know what you're speaking about.
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