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Thursday, November 27, 2014

Just Call Me Fred

"I'm shy! I'm incredibly shy!"

First things first... Happy freaking Thanksgiving!

Now that that's out of the way... I have come to a rather sad realization today. Backstory: Today was a really good day. My family all got together (all 5 of us) and had a grand time. After dinner, my sister and I hung out a bit and just played around with online quizzes and drawing on the tablecloth (hey... you have your traditions, we have ours). Anyway, my brother-in-law's family has a tradition where they go bowling after their dinner and my family is always invited. Well, I decided to go and it was a disaster! I'm talking category 5 tornado!

I don't exactly like crowds to begin with, but having my sister there along with loads of people she knows and nobody I know just doesn't make me feel all warm and squishy inside. I've always kind of accepted that I'm the kind of girl who sits in the background, keeps her mouth shut, and prays nobody notices her; but today (here's my marvelous realization), I'm so shy that it's crippling.

I've never really thought that I was shy. I've always just said that I'm quiet. But it's way more than that. I don't just keep my mouth shut, it's kind of paralyzed and won't open. Then there's the whole "looking at the ground to avoid any and all eye contact" thing. Oh! And the fact that I keep my coat on indoors so as to have a quick escape. Yeah... cuz that doesn't make me look awkward or uncomfortable.

Well Fred, I feel ya.

Carol Burnett performing Shy from the musical Once Upon A Matress

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Holding Out

I feel like the bottom of a compost heap and I don't know why.

All day I've been fighting this sinking feeling and now it has gathered the armies, called in the militia, and has declared all-out war on me.  Normally, I can put my finger on a trigger, but not this time. I'm not angry or upset, I just feel like folding in on myself and crying for a few hours.

I found a quote that I really liked. It reads:

"I don't think people understand how
stressful it is to explain what's going
on in your head when you don't even
understand it yourself."
This is exactly how I feel at the moment. I can't tell you how I feel because I don't fully understand it.
In other news... I have been put back on lithium. This makes what, 5 times now? Fun little tip: if you start and stop a medication too often, it loses effect and you become immune to it. I react to every pill I've ever tried. This time won't be any different.
I've always kind of felt that, if I could just get out of this state, or even this city, I'd be happier. I know you can't run away from your problems, but surroundings have a deep impact on emotional wellbeing.
I've been crushing on England since I was 5 years old. Not sure why, but I'm convinced that if I ever got there, things will be much better. Maybe I'm just daydreaming, but I still hold out hope. England is the hero I'm holding out for. (Cue 80's song with bad video...)
Holding Out For A Hero~ Bonnie Tyler

Monday, November 24, 2014

You make me so emotional

Uh-huh. Right. Crying into my pillow in 3... 2... 1...

So, the last week or so has been an emotional rollercoaster. I can't remember the name of it or know if it's even still there, but when I went to Knott's Berry Farm in California eleven years ago, there was a coaster there that would send you hurtling through a loop, straight up, hang there a while, backwards through the loop, straight up backwards, hang a while, and back down (now take a breath). Anyway, my point is, that this has been me lately. (Yes! It's still there!)

Last week, I was working with some 6 year olds. Things were normal, but when they gathered for story time, one little girl was sitting in the back by herself. When I asked her what was wrong, she broke down crying and told me that her classmates were being mean to her. Well, as I'm attempting to comfort her (and failing), I got overly emotional. WHY?!?!

Then, I finally decided to watch The Book Thief for the first time. If you've seen it, you can guess where the breakdown occurred. If you haven't seen it, I'm not going to ruin it. It's a great film, but so not what I was expecting!

Ok, so those stories may have a little leeway on emotions. But just yesterday, I was listening to One Direction's new album FOUR, and found myself getting emotional during an upbeat song! What is wrong with me?!

This song goes out to all the emotional people and hormonal women out there.

So Emotional ~Christina Aguilera

And the coaster. Apparently it's called Montezuma's Revenge.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Who is that girl I see?

Uh huh.

So, I have an evaluation on Friday to determine if the government thinks I'm disabled enough to get Medicaid (government funded healthcare). I was sent some papers to fill out beforehand and, no joke, a 6 year old could alter it to look either perfectly fine or a complete nut job! It's insane! It's the typical "let's dive into your childhood and see what we can blame on your mother" type thing. Best part, there's a "complete the sentence" page, and one of the sentences begins with "What I like least about women________." Umm... why is there no "What I like least about men" option? And on marital status, there's the usual options, married, divorced, cohabitating then a slap in the face... never married. Not "single," oh no... just never married.

Ok, so that rant is over. Now I want to talk about how I'm actually afraid of this evaluation. I've said so many times that I don't show emotion that it really just goes without saying. I've lived my life convincing people that I don't have a problem, and now I have to show someone that I do. Showing this person I've never met my deepest self is the most terrifying thing that could happen to me. I've grown quite fond of the mask I wear.

I'm kind of freaking myself out right now, so let's talk about something... not freaky.

OH OH OH!!! The new One Direction album is out as of last Monday! I pre ordered it, but it didn't actually ship until Monday, but it's streaming on Freegal! If you live in the US and don't know what that is, I seriously recommend you check it out! Anyway, it's really good!  And lately, I've been slightly obsessed with Phantogram. They're dark, twisted, and freaking amazing. Music tip of the day, I guess.

Anyway, call me cliché, but this song is really how I feel most of the time.

Reflection~ Christina Aguilera (from Disney's Mulan)

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Give Me Novacaine

Can I be done now?

Lately, it seems like I can't do anything right. Someone gets upset with me every day. Today has been particularly bad, however.

I had a training class today for work. Every comment I made was wrong somehow. Even responses to questions where the answer was on the board. Then, I get attacked on Facebook for simply voicing my opinion. What? Am I not supposed to have any?

So, I was trying to think of someone to talk to who would just let me vent, but the only friend I have anywhere near my time zone I could really talk to (I feel) had surgery today and would probably be less than stoked about texts or calls.

So.. here I am. Sitting on my bed with my One Direction blanket (don't judge), crying and wondering if this is ever going to end. I grew up believing that, after death, all pain would disappear, but lately, I don't believe it. I can't see an end to this... ever.

I'm at Dover (on the edge) of just giving up. I always ask Facebook to share this blog... I've seen it 3 times. I try my best at work, and somebody always says I'm not trying hard enough. That applies to everything, really. Nobody understands, let alone cares how alienated I feel. It hurts more than you could even imagine.

Lately, I've had a chant running through my head, and I actually believe it. Almost everyone has made it abundantly clear that it's true. I am useless; I am worthless; I am nobody.


Saturday, November 8, 2014

A True Kindness

You may never know the effect your words have on someone.

So, tonight, I went to a neighborhood Thanksgiving dinner. Yes, I know that Thanksgiving is more than two weeks away, but it's been a tradition in our neighborhood for as long as I can remember.

Anyway... I absolutely hate it. I only show up out of obligation. I know maybe ten people there anymore and actually talk to four. My neighborhood is what we call "newlywed or nearly dead" because, well, it's all newlyweds and older people. I'm neither, so it's pretty difficult to find things in common with anyone and I can't stand small talk.

I'm getting side-tracked... Well, my point is, there was a woman there who I have only met once before at her wedding reception. She married a guy I've knows for so long I can't actually remember not knowing him. When I was going through the line, making nice with people I've never met, she actually surprised me. She started talking to me like we were old friends catching up. Understand: this never happens to me. I've said before that people don't take the time to get to know me or think that I'm anything but weird. No pretenses, no snap judgments. I automatically liked her (which also never happens).

Side-tracked!!! Ok, so, this super cool woman said something to me tonight that changed the way I've been feeling for the last while. She probably has no idea that her simple words could mean so much. "What did she say," you ask? Well, she just said that she liked the color of my hair and it looked good. Side note: I dyed my hair.

So, I've been listening to depressing music for months on end because, well, that's been my mood. But when I got home tonight, this was the first thing I put on.

I Want to Live- Josh Gracin

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Welcome to Breaktown

Happy freakin birthday to me.

So, my birthday is either today or tomorrow depending on when you read this and your time zone, so it could even be yesterday. Anyway... I'm 28 and have 2 friends I can count on, no boyfriend, no college education, a crappy part-time job, I live with my parents, I don't really know a whole lot about anything, and people wonder why I'm "passively suicidal."

What does passively suicidal mean? Basically that I don't care if I die in a horrific accident, but I'm not going to veer into oncoming traffic. I honestly have just given up. I cut off sending the first message to anyone and I've got one friend who lives in another state who will still text. Then, at work, if I walk into the faculty room during lunch, the maybe two people who notice me pretend to not have. I try to talk to people there and they try to hurry through it. Even when my sister comes over, she'll talk to me until one of our parents comes in.

I wish people realized exactly how much that hurts. I mean, I know I'm not the smartest or most socially sound person, but I have feelings. Yeah, I say things that you don't understand, but why don't you try getting to know me so you can understand instead of thinking I'm weird and not giving me a chance? Sometimes I wish I had the courage to just end it myself.

I am in pain! I look at the headstones in cemeteries with envy. I cry myself to sleep every night. Even now, as I'm typing, I'm silently shedding tears. The only thing I pray anymore is for this to be over.

But I'll get up in the morning, put on my happy face, and continue.

Hanson~ Breaktown

Saturday, November 1, 2014

I hung out in a cemetery

Is there an "off" switch for my brain?

So, sometimes, something will happen that sparks in my brain. My brain then feels the need to put me thru it over and over again like the bloody Energizer bunny. This wouldn't bother me if these repeated memories were the good things, but alas, they're always bad in one way or another (cue classic Blondie song).

Here's today's examples...

1~ I go on random compliment sprees on Twitter. I don't know these people. I just look at their page for maybe ten seconds and say something like, "you've got a beautiful smile." Well, I was a bit manic today (story to come), and I decided to try actually telling someone the same thing. Well, the lady didn't take it very well. She thought I was trying to sell her something. Yeah...

2~ Less than 5 minutes later, I was in my car and this ugly little orange car comes up behind me so close that I couldn't see any part of his hood in my rearview. When we turned onto the main road, there were 2 lanes. he took the inside and I took the outside. He swerved into my lane intentionally, not once, but twice! and his friend was waiving his hand out the window flipping me off like a pre-pubescent Neanderthal.

So, these things are running thru my head instead of the fun I had earlier in the day.

Ok, this may sound weird to some people, but I find cemeteries rather peaceful. The Salt Lake City Cemetery is the oldest one here, and I love going up there to take pictures and just... be. There's history, mystery, and a whole lot of... leaves. Yeah... I couldn't think of another word to rhyme with those that actually fit here... Anyway, here are a few of my favourite pics from today.

I like broken things. I can relate to them.