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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Holding Out

I feel like the bottom of a compost heap and I don't know why.

All day I've been fighting this sinking feeling and now it has gathered the armies, called in the militia, and has declared all-out war on me.  Normally, I can put my finger on a trigger, but not this time. I'm not angry or upset, I just feel like folding in on myself and crying for a few hours.

I found a quote that I really liked. It reads:

"I don't think people understand how
stressful it is to explain what's going
on in your head when you don't even
understand it yourself."
This is exactly how I feel at the moment. I can't tell you how I feel because I don't fully understand it.
In other news... I have been put back on lithium. This makes what, 5 times now? Fun little tip: if you start and stop a medication too often, it loses effect and you become immune to it. I react to every pill I've ever tried. This time won't be any different.
I've always kind of felt that, if I could just get out of this state, or even this city, I'd be happier. I know you can't run away from your problems, but surroundings have a deep impact on emotional wellbeing.
I've been crushing on England since I was 5 years old. Not sure why, but I'm convinced that if I ever got there, things will be much better. Maybe I'm just daydreaming, but I still hold out hope. England is the hero I'm holding out for. (Cue 80's song with bad video...)
Holding Out For A Hero~ Bonnie Tyler

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