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Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Welcome to Breaktown

Happy freakin birthday to me.

So, my birthday is either today or tomorrow depending on when you read this and your time zone, so it could even be yesterday. Anyway... I'm 28 and have 2 friends I can count on, no boyfriend, no college education, a crappy part-time job, I live with my parents, I don't really know a whole lot about anything, and people wonder why I'm "passively suicidal."

What does passively suicidal mean? Basically that I don't care if I die in a horrific accident, but I'm not going to veer into oncoming traffic. I honestly have just given up. I cut off sending the first message to anyone and I've got one friend who lives in another state who will still text. Then, at work, if I walk into the faculty room during lunch, the maybe two people who notice me pretend to not have. I try to talk to people there and they try to hurry through it. Even when my sister comes over, she'll talk to me until one of our parents comes in.

I wish people realized exactly how much that hurts. I mean, I know I'm not the smartest or most socially sound person, but I have feelings. Yeah, I say things that you don't understand, but why don't you try getting to know me so you can understand instead of thinking I'm weird and not giving me a chance? Sometimes I wish I had the courage to just end it myself.

I am in pain! I look at the headstones in cemeteries with envy. I cry myself to sleep every night. Even now, as I'm typing, I'm silently shedding tears. The only thing I pray anymore is for this to be over.

But I'll get up in the morning, put on my happy face, and continue.

Hanson~ Breaktown

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