So, my birthday is either today or tomorrow depending on when you read this and your time zone, so it could even be yesterday. Anyway... I'm 28 and have 2 friends I can count on, no boyfriend, no college education, a crappy part-time job, I live with my parents, I don't really know a whole lot about anything, and people wonder why I'm "passively suicidal."
What does passively suicidal mean? Basically that I don't care if I die in a horrific accident, but I'm not going to veer into oncoming traffic. I honestly have just given up. I cut off sending the first message to anyone and I've got one friend who lives in another state who will still text. Then, at work, if I walk into the faculty room during lunch, the maybe two people who notice me pretend to not have. I try to talk to people there and they try to hurry through it. Even when my sister comes over, she'll talk to me until one of our parents comes in.
I wish people realized exactly how much that hurts. I mean, I know I'm not the smartest or most socially sound person, but I have feelings. Yeah, I say things that you don't understand, but why don't you try getting to know me so you can understand instead of thinking I'm weird and not giving me a chance? Sometimes I wish I had the courage to just end it myself.
I am in pain! I look at the headstones in cemeteries with envy. I cry myself to sleep every night. Even now, as I'm typing, I'm silently shedding tears. The only thing I pray anymore is for this to be over.
But I'll get up in the morning, put on my happy face, and continue.