So, there have been a few firsts for me lately. I've gotten to talk to someone who knows how I feel, I actually voiced the sentence "I have bipolar disorder," and I experienced the offending side of labeling someone with a mental illness.
I met a guy today who is funny, cute, easy to talk to, and also has bipolar. I was thrown back a bit when he told me that. It honestly made me a little uncomfortable for a minute. I mean, we've been texting for about a week now, and he never said anything, but when we met up today, the subject came up, and it weirded me out. (Yes, weirded is a word. I put it in my dictionary last week.)
Whenever I tell people, I can actually see them tense up and get uncomfortable. It's not difficult to spot. It's one of the first things you learn to see. I never thought that I'd be the one tensing up, though.
I mean, why should it make me uncomfortable? I'll tell you why... social conditioning. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... we are all taught that mental illness is shameful and something to be hidden and feared. It's not just something people who aren't affected learn, we all do. I was ashamed of myself for thinking that, because this amazing guy has an illness, I should be afraid of him.
I changed my thinking and we had a great time together! I just wonder how many opportunities to get to know amazing people that others miss because of this social conditioning.
I am not my illness.
Learn.
Understand.
Respect.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
Ring of Fire
I've posted about having no energy before, and yes, that is part of depression, but as we all know, depression is sadness. Today I'm depressed. I don't get this side of it very often. I'm more often than not in a hypo-manic or mixed state. I don't necessarily like feeling like that, but I must say... I hate this.
Let's take a ride into the twisted thing that is my mind... Like I said, I have no energy, and I talked about sleeping too much. That's so true right now. But I also just want to hide in a corner and cry. I'm also incredibly unfocused. It's taken literally ten minutes just to type this much. And I've noticed that I'm a serial pessimist today as well.
Now, I don't know about depression as a solo disorder, but for me, it's like I can feel my emotions physically as well as mentally. It's kinda difficult to explain, but when I have a breakdown, it physically hurts beyond any pain I've ever felt.
This is so scattered. I'm sorry!
Anyway... I know how to handle the hypo, mixed, and even the breakdowns, but this depression is kind of killing me. It's not like a normal low for me. I've not got the sense hopelessness that usually comes with this. I'm just tired, sad, and very cranky. I've been around a few friends today, but they had no clue. I said I didn't feel too well, but I still didn't act it. I'll more than likely never show any emotion to anyone but family. That's actually why it took so long to get a diagnosis.
Sorry. This is beyond scattered. But this blog is not only educational ;) it's also very cathartic for me.
Let's take a ride into the twisted thing that is my mind... Like I said, I have no energy, and I talked about sleeping too much. That's so true right now. But I also just want to hide in a corner and cry. I'm also incredibly unfocused. It's taken literally ten minutes just to type this much. And I've noticed that I'm a serial pessimist today as well.
Now, I don't know about depression as a solo disorder, but for me, it's like I can feel my emotions physically as well as mentally. It's kinda difficult to explain, but when I have a breakdown, it physically hurts beyond any pain I've ever felt.
This is so scattered. I'm sorry!
Anyway... I know how to handle the hypo, mixed, and even the breakdowns, but this depression is kind of killing me. It's not like a normal low for me. I've not got the sense hopelessness that usually comes with this. I'm just tired, sad, and very cranky. I've been around a few friends today, but they had no clue. I said I didn't feel too well, but I still didn't act it. I'll more than likely never show any emotion to anyone but family. That's actually why it took so long to get a diagnosis.
Sorry. This is beyond scattered. But this blog is not only educational ;) it's also very cathartic for me.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Thorns suck, but the Rose makes it worthwile
I just did something I have never been able to do before. I was able to email someone who also has Bipolar Disorder. Someone who knows how I think and feel. I think I may cry I'm so happy!
So, I know there are people out there who know all this, but I've never been able to talk to any of them! I've recently found out that I have a few friends with it also, but to be honest, it's a bit weird talking to them about it. I don't know why... it just is.
You may ask, "who is this mystery person?" (Alright. Let's face it, you weren't thinking that at all. But you are now! HA! I win!) She is the mother of a new friend of mine. I couldn't actually talk to her because she lives in England. But emails are almost as good!
Some of you may be wondering why this is such a big deal to me. Think of Helen Keller. She lived in a world completely isolated. People were always trying to make her understand things, but it never took. Then one day, she realised that the hand signs meant something. It's just like that for me. I've lived my whole life knowing that I'm different than everyone else. I've heard and read about others dealing with this, but it never truly sank in until I heard that my friend's mother has this as well.
I've never had a real support. I mean, my family and friends are great! But they can only sympathize, not empathize.
My point really is that, nobody should do this alone. Find someone who knows how you feel. A therapist, a friend, or even just a random blog you come across.
So, I know there are people out there who know all this, but I've never been able to talk to any of them! I've recently found out that I have a few friends with it also, but to be honest, it's a bit weird talking to them about it. I don't know why... it just is.
You may ask, "who is this mystery person?" (Alright. Let's face it, you weren't thinking that at all. But you are now! HA! I win!) She is the mother of a new friend of mine. I couldn't actually talk to her because she lives in England. But emails are almost as good!
Some of you may be wondering why this is such a big deal to me. Think of Helen Keller. She lived in a world completely isolated. People were always trying to make her understand things, but it never took. Then one day, she realised that the hand signs meant something. It's just like that for me. I've lived my whole life knowing that I'm different than everyone else. I've heard and read about others dealing with this, but it never truly sank in until I heard that my friend's mother has this as well.
I've never had a real support. I mean, my family and friends are great! But they can only sympathize, not empathize.
My point really is that, nobody should do this alone. Find someone who knows how you feel. A therapist, a friend, or even just a random blog you come across.
Friday, July 18, 2014
1... 2... 3...
Ok. I want to know who started the idea of counting sheep to fall asleep. I mean, doesn't counting keep you focused on something therefore keeping you awake? And why sheep?
So, something I have loads of trouble with is sleep. I can be completely knackered (like right now), but can't sleep no matter what I do. Nothing works. Counting sheep, trying to will myself into it, not even the heaviest sleeping pills work. No matter how tired I am, I'll just lie in bed, mind racing. On the flip side, there are times when I'm so tired that I can sleep for 16 hours. Neither is particularly fun.
But, as you've probably guessed, my sleeping pattern is based on my mood. When I can't sleep, it's not your typical insomnia (which I'm eternally grateful for!), it comes from the mania side. And when I sleep too much, it's not because I'm lazy, it's because I'm going through a depression.
I've spent the last week or so sleeping between 14 and 18 hours per day. I didn't want to get out of bed at all, but I did. I didn't really have much of a choice. I don't live in a hotel with room service and bedpans kind of freak me out. BUT... now I'm on the flip side and can't sleep despite being, like I said, completely knackered.
If anyone has any suggestions on a more even sleep pattern, I'd love to hear it! I'll try just about anything. Until then... 1 sheep... 2 sheep... 3 sheep... oh screw it. I'm going to go watch Doctor Who.
Allons-y!
So, something I have loads of trouble with is sleep. I can be completely knackered (like right now), but can't sleep no matter what I do. Nothing works. Counting sheep, trying to will myself into it, not even the heaviest sleeping pills work. No matter how tired I am, I'll just lie in bed, mind racing. On the flip side, there are times when I'm so tired that I can sleep for 16 hours. Neither is particularly fun.
But, as you've probably guessed, my sleeping pattern is based on my mood. When I can't sleep, it's not your typical insomnia (which I'm eternally grateful for!), it comes from the mania side. And when I sleep too much, it's not because I'm lazy, it's because I'm going through a depression.
I've spent the last week or so sleeping between 14 and 18 hours per day. I didn't want to get out of bed at all, but I did. I didn't really have much of a choice. I don't live in a hotel with room service and bedpans kind of freak me out. BUT... now I'm on the flip side and can't sleep despite being, like I said, completely knackered.
If anyone has any suggestions on a more even sleep pattern, I'd love to hear it! I'll try just about anything. Until then... 1 sheep... 2 sheep... 3 sheep... oh screw it. I'm going to go watch Doctor Who.
Allons-y!
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
It's under there. HA! You said underwear!
"You need to grow up!"
Umm... excuse me? First of all, nobody tells me what I need to do. Second, just, look... I may not act the way other people in their late 20's act, but most people my age aren't dealing with something that, if they put too much thought into, would kill them. Their minds are filled with things like marriage, kids, rent, bills, careers, and success in life. My mind is a mine field. If I make one wrong step, I could explode. I have to constantly monitor what I think and how I feel.
Before I was finally diagnosed, I used to be surprised by my moods. I mean, I would think that I was fine, but then when I started talking, I seemed aggravated. The opposite would often happen as well. I had a therapist tell me to keep a mood diary. Every 5 minutes, asses how I felt and what I was thinking. I guess it worked because now it's an automatic thought. I actually notice what's going on inside my head.
Even now tho, I look at my family and friends and wonder what it's like to be "normal." Then I realised something... I didn't have a psychotic break like everyone else. Bipolar didn't just appear one day for me. I was born with this. My whole life has been a swirling vortex of emotional hell.
Side note: It's unknown the exact percentage of people born with it, but it's rare.
Ok, the way I imagine normal people is basically that they don't feel anything unless it's good or bad. Like, just sitting there reading or watching TV, they don't feel anything, but when they're with friends, they're happy, and at a funeral, they're sad. I'm probably wrong, but that's what I imagine. And that actually kind of scares me. Since I've been like this my entire life, feeling something strong all the time, feeling nothing is scary to me.
That got way off topic! Sorry! So, the reason society has deemed me immature is because, sure, I act like I'm maybe 16, but if I "grew up" and started acting my age, I'd have a breakdown. I can't handle what my brain does so I suppress it with childishness. Deal with it.
Umm... excuse me? First of all, nobody tells me what I need to do. Second, just, look... I may not act the way other people in their late 20's act, but most people my age aren't dealing with something that, if they put too much thought into, would kill them. Their minds are filled with things like marriage, kids, rent, bills, careers, and success in life. My mind is a mine field. If I make one wrong step, I could explode. I have to constantly monitor what I think and how I feel.
Before I was finally diagnosed, I used to be surprised by my moods. I mean, I would think that I was fine, but then when I started talking, I seemed aggravated. The opposite would often happen as well. I had a therapist tell me to keep a mood diary. Every 5 minutes, asses how I felt and what I was thinking. I guess it worked because now it's an automatic thought. I actually notice what's going on inside my head.
Even now tho, I look at my family and friends and wonder what it's like to be "normal." Then I realised something... I didn't have a psychotic break like everyone else. Bipolar didn't just appear one day for me. I was born with this. My whole life has been a swirling vortex of emotional hell.
Side note: It's unknown the exact percentage of people born with it, but it's rare.
Ok, the way I imagine normal people is basically that they don't feel anything unless it's good or bad. Like, just sitting there reading or watching TV, they don't feel anything, but when they're with friends, they're happy, and at a funeral, they're sad. I'm probably wrong, but that's what I imagine. And that actually kind of scares me. Since I've been like this my entire life, feeling something strong all the time, feeling nothing is scary to me.
That got way off topic! Sorry! So, the reason society has deemed me immature is because, sure, I act like I'm maybe 16, but if I "grew up" and started acting my age, I'd have a breakdown. I can't handle what my brain does so I suppress it with childishness. Deal with it.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
I AM NOT BIPOLAR!
As a society, we have accepted something horrific that I really think needs to be fixed.
When diagnosed with a mental condition, we're told "you are bipolar." We have always accepted this as normal. Now, let's again turn it around to physical conditions. If you were told, "you are cancer," you would be offended, and rightfully so. So why is it that we just accept that we are bipolar? Because society sees mental conditions as something shameful that must be hidden.
Story: When I was 22, I began to seek help from a psychologist. I didn't tell anyone. Not my boyfriend, my friends, not even my family because I didn't really want to admit to myself that I had a problem, let alone let someone else know. I was ashamed that I couldn't handle this on my own. At that point, I didn't even know what it was. But even when I got the definitive diagnosis 2 years later, I hid it from my friends and family even more because of what I had seen in movies and on the telly. People acting in ways that made them look crazy.
When diagnosed with a mental condition, we're told "you are bipolar." We have always accepted this as normal. Now, let's again turn it around to physical conditions. If you were told, "you are cancer," you would be offended, and rightfully so. So why is it that we just accept that we are bipolar? Because society sees mental conditions as something shameful that must be hidden.
Story: When I was 22, I began to seek help from a psychologist. I didn't tell anyone. Not my boyfriend, my friends, not even my family because I didn't really want to admit to myself that I had a problem, let alone let someone else know. I was ashamed that I couldn't handle this on my own. At that point, I didn't even know what it was. But even when I got the definitive diagnosis 2 years later, I hid it from my friends and family even more because of what I had seen in movies and on the telly. People acting in ways that made them look crazy.
Bipolar does not equal crazy
So, what we need to do is stop accepting that if it's physical, it's something you have, but if it's mental, it's something you are. If you are suffering from any form of mental condition, stop telling yourself that you are and start telling yourself that you have!
Right here, right now, I'm telling you that I am NOT bipolar. I HAVE bipolar.
I am NOT:
Angry
Aggressive
Moody
Hyper
ADD
I AM:
Caring
Compassionate
Smart
Focused
Capable of doing whatever I put my mind to!
Friends, never again let anyone tell you that you are your mental condition.
"Today you are you;
That is truer that true.
There is no one alive
That is youer than you."
~Dr. Seuss
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Excuse me?
I just heard the most hilarious and insulting thing I've ever heard! I was explaining to my uncle my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, and his response made me speechless. He said, "You know, we're all Bipolar. We all have mood swings." Sorry, what? So, this post is dedicated to my ignorant uncle (I'll call him J).
So, J... tell me all about the highs. You feel so good that you feel like you could do anything? You're social? You laugh? You feel like nothing is bad in the world? Now, tell me about the lows. You're sad, yes? In despair? Can you see the end of the storm? And those times when you get nervous. There's a reason, yes? And you calm down pretty fast after whatever that reason has passed?
Now, J, tell me how much control you have over all these things.
How dare you presume to tell me that what I'm feeling is normal?!?! You would die if you felt one ounce of what I do on a daily basis! When I get highs, aka mania, sure I laugh and I get social, but I also overreact to everything. A funny joke can make me laugh so hard I hyperventilate. I too feel like there's nothing bad in the world, but the second I see, hear, or just think of something bad, I'm thrown into a pit with walls so high that I can't climb out of. I'm beyond sad. Despair is the biggest understatement in the world. I can't see the end of the storm, because I have fallen so low that I truly believe I'll never make it out. And sure, getting nervous is normal, but I can't control it. That nervous energy is a key factor in my mixed state.
I have no control over any of this.
Moral of the story: Don't speak unless you know what you're speaking about.
So, J... tell me all about the highs. You feel so good that you feel like you could do anything? You're social? You laugh? You feel like nothing is bad in the world? Now, tell me about the lows. You're sad, yes? In despair? Can you see the end of the storm? And those times when you get nervous. There's a reason, yes? And you calm down pretty fast after whatever that reason has passed?
Now, J, tell me how much control you have over all these things.
How dare you presume to tell me that what I'm feeling is normal?!?! You would die if you felt one ounce of what I do on a daily basis! When I get highs, aka mania, sure I laugh and I get social, but I also overreact to everything. A funny joke can make me laugh so hard I hyperventilate. I too feel like there's nothing bad in the world, but the second I see, hear, or just think of something bad, I'm thrown into a pit with walls so high that I can't climb out of. I'm beyond sad. Despair is the biggest understatement in the world. I can't see the end of the storm, because I have fallen so low that I truly believe I'll never make it out. And sure, getting nervous is normal, but I can't control it. That nervous energy is a key factor in my mixed state.
I have no control over any of this.
Moral of the story: Don't speak unless you know what you're speaking about.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Whining Time
I've never been the girl that people want around. I mean, I have my friends, but they're few and far between. Facebook "friends" don't count. It's the people who call and invite you to do things that do. The last time someone called me and asked me to do something was last summer when my friend visited from Korea (yay Army bases). But what really bites the big one is that people I work with actively ignore and exclude me. This has happened at every job I've had, save for one.
All I want is to fit in, or better yet, just be accepted for who I am. People don't take the time to get to know me before making their snap judgments. I didn't fit in working at the bookstore because I read true crime instead of Harry Potter. I didn't fit in working at the music/movie store because heaven forbid, I like a few mainstream bands. I hated half of what they played there, but I never complained. I put in something even remotely pop and they shut it right off. I like what I like and I refuse to apologize for it! I accept that you like what you like. Why can't others be the same?
It's bad enough that I feel alone, but to actually be alone hurts more than people know. Like I've said before, I won't show any emotion around anyone but family, so nobody knows that I'm dying inside. I'm weird. So what? That doesn't make me a bad person.
I just wish I could find my niche. I'm not good enough to hang with the "good kids," nor am I bad enough to hang with the "bad kids." I'm stuck in the middle and it sucks.
This concludes today's episode of "Pity me." Joins us next week when we talk hair and eye color.
All I want is to fit in, or better yet, just be accepted for who I am. People don't take the time to get to know me before making their snap judgments. I didn't fit in working at the bookstore because I read true crime instead of Harry Potter. I didn't fit in working at the music/movie store because heaven forbid, I like a few mainstream bands. I hated half of what they played there, but I never complained. I put in something even remotely pop and they shut it right off. I like what I like and I refuse to apologize for it! I accept that you like what you like. Why can't others be the same?
It's bad enough that I feel alone, but to actually be alone hurts more than people know. Like I've said before, I won't show any emotion around anyone but family, so nobody knows that I'm dying inside. I'm weird. So what? That doesn't make me a bad person.
I just wish I could find my niche. I'm not good enough to hang with the "good kids," nor am I bad enough to hang with the "bad kids." I'm stuck in the middle and it sucks.
This concludes today's episode of "Pity me." Joins us next week when we talk hair and eye color.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
To be, or not to be?
"Happiness is a choice."
Yeah. We've all heard it. It's drilled into us like 1+1=2. Well, for someone suffering from mental illness, it simply isn't true. Whether it be Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, or what have you, happiness is no more a choice than having the illness to begin with.
I've heard all sorts of things, every one of them more offensive and ignorant than the last. Let's take some of them and turn them around a bit to qualify for someone with a physical ailment.
"Happy thoughts will make you happy."
"Happy thoughts will make your cancer disappear."
"You want to be unhappy. It gets you more attention."
"You like being a double amputee. You get more attention."
"If you choose to be happy, you will be."
"If you choose to not be paralyzed, you won't be."
Get what I'm aiming at? The worst thing you can ever tell me, is that I choose whether I'm happy or not. Believe me, if it was that simple, mental illness wouldn't exist in the first place. I want to be happy! I've tried all sorts of methods of higher thinking, they just don't work. They may work for someone who wants a diagnosis of Bipolar, but for someone in deep... not a chance.
Side note: Yes, there are people who actually want the diagnosis. They're actually (more than likely, anyway) a Borderline Personality. Yes. It's a thing. Look it up or just watch Girl, Interrupted.
So, just in case I haven't made myself clear...
Yeah. We've all heard it. It's drilled into us like 1+1=2. Well, for someone suffering from mental illness, it simply isn't true. Whether it be Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, or what have you, happiness is no more a choice than having the illness to begin with.
I've heard all sorts of things, every one of them more offensive and ignorant than the last. Let's take some of them and turn them around a bit to qualify for someone with a physical ailment.
"Happy thoughts will make you happy."
"Happy thoughts will make your cancer disappear."
"You want to be unhappy. It gets you more attention."
"You like being a double amputee. You get more attention."
"If you choose to be happy, you will be."
"If you choose to not be paralyzed, you won't be."
Get what I'm aiming at? The worst thing you can ever tell me, is that I choose whether I'm happy or not. Believe me, if it was that simple, mental illness wouldn't exist in the first place. I want to be happy! I've tried all sorts of methods of higher thinking, they just don't work. They may work for someone who wants a diagnosis of Bipolar, but for someone in deep... not a chance.
Side note: Yes, there are people who actually want the diagnosis. They're actually (more than likely, anyway) a Borderline Personality. Yes. It's a thing. Look it up or just watch Girl, Interrupted.
So, just in case I haven't made myself clear...
>Happiness isn't always a choice<
Monday, June 23, 2014
You mean it's not just me?
Ok. Today has sucked more than a black hole and I really don't know why. Well... I do, but it's just frustrating.
I just went to Costco with my family and the whole time I just wanted to pick something up and throw it. Mostly because punching people can land you in jail. Everything was just jumping on my last nerve with cleats! If somebody didn't move fast enough. If someone talked to me. If someone sneezed. Everything!
Now, the way I was raised has made it so I don't really show emotion. I can count on one hand the number of people outside my family who have seen me cry, and nobody outside has seen me throw a proper fit. Not even my best friends. I mean, hardly anyone knew I was dealing with this until I posted this blog on my Facebook page. Anyhow... Lately I've been less tuned in to being "normal." If I'm freaking out (for lack of a better term), it's fairly obvious when I reset. I'll shut my eyes tight, clench my mouth and teeth, make a fist, and take a deep breath or two.
Anyway, as I've become more open with this, even the last few days, I've been noticing other people more. If you watch people, I mean really watch them, you'll notice that everyone resets in some way or another. The mother with a crying kid, the stressed out business man on the phone, and the people who look like they have it all together.
Everyone is going through something that the rest of us don't know about. Be patient. Be kind.
I just went to Costco with my family and the whole time I just wanted to pick something up and throw it. Mostly because punching people can land you in jail. Everything was just jumping on my last nerve with cleats! If somebody didn't move fast enough. If someone talked to me. If someone sneezed. Everything!
Now, the way I was raised has made it so I don't really show emotion. I can count on one hand the number of people outside my family who have seen me cry, and nobody outside has seen me throw a proper fit. Not even my best friends. I mean, hardly anyone knew I was dealing with this until I posted this blog on my Facebook page. Anyhow... Lately I've been less tuned in to being "normal." If I'm freaking out (for lack of a better term), it's fairly obvious when I reset. I'll shut my eyes tight, clench my mouth and teeth, make a fist, and take a deep breath or two.
Anyway, as I've become more open with this, even the last few days, I've been noticing other people more. If you watch people, I mean really watch them, you'll notice that everyone resets in some way or another. The mother with a crying kid, the stressed out business man on the phone, and the people who look like they have it all together.
Everyone is going through something that the rest of us don't know about. Be patient. Be kind.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
From 0 to "did I just do that?!" in 2.4 seconds
So, my last post was about horrific, uncontrollable energy. It sucks because I suddenly become the annoying one who never shuts up. Today is the complete opposite. I've got no energy at all. I'm even finding it difficult to write about.
Basic law of physics: what goes up, must come down. This is so true for me (I won't generalize all people with the disorder). But the thing is, I'm like a ball with a motor. I keep getting higher after I hit the ground, and the higher I get, the harder I fall. I can always count on my mood after a particularly bad day, and again after a particularly good day.
Fun example A: If I spend a day with a friend, and we're actually going out and doing things, not just sitting at home, I get a "high." I start to crash on my way home. By the time I get there (usually about 20 minutes), I'm in the pit.
Fun example B: I'll spend the next day crying on and off, wishing that I wouldn't simply die, but just cease to exist. Then, like magic, the next day I'm on a random road trip by myself and feeling like I can conquer the world.
Something that most people don't understand is that my thoughts are not my own. Since I was a kid, I've told people that my brain has a mind of its own. It's not like I hear voices, I just get feelings and thoughts that aren't necessarily mine. I tend to believe that, since Bipolar Disorder is an actual brain anomaly rather than a chemical imbalance, I can have multiple thoughts and feelings simultaneously. But, that's just my own belief. Don't go quoting me on that.
The really fun thing is that my thoughts are so scattered and disorganized that some people have a hard time keeping up. If you ever watched Gilmore Girls, you kind of know what I'm talking about. Someone will say something, and it'll spark a chain of events in my head and I'll wind up saying something out of left field.
Fun example C: Someone will mention Matthew Perry and I'll start singing Highway To Hell. Why? This... Matthew Perry --> Perrie Edwards --> Edward Scissor Hands --> Hands of Heaven --> Heaven is a Place On Earth --> Earth, Wind, & Fire --> Fires of Hell --> Highway To Hell. And all that happens in about half a second.
So basically today I'm a barely breathing drone with a rocket with thoughts running thru my head. On the bright side... I have Nick Santino's new album. Man I love my repeat button!
Basic law of physics: what goes up, must come down. This is so true for me (I won't generalize all people with the disorder). But the thing is, I'm like a ball with a motor. I keep getting higher after I hit the ground, and the higher I get, the harder I fall. I can always count on my mood after a particularly bad day, and again after a particularly good day.
Fun example A: If I spend a day with a friend, and we're actually going out and doing things, not just sitting at home, I get a "high." I start to crash on my way home. By the time I get there (usually about 20 minutes), I'm in the pit.
Fun example B: I'll spend the next day crying on and off, wishing that I wouldn't simply die, but just cease to exist. Then, like magic, the next day I'm on a random road trip by myself and feeling like I can conquer the world.
Something that most people don't understand is that my thoughts are not my own. Since I was a kid, I've told people that my brain has a mind of its own. It's not like I hear voices, I just get feelings and thoughts that aren't necessarily mine. I tend to believe that, since Bipolar Disorder is an actual brain anomaly rather than a chemical imbalance, I can have multiple thoughts and feelings simultaneously. But, that's just my own belief. Don't go quoting me on that.
The really fun thing is that my thoughts are so scattered and disorganized that some people have a hard time keeping up. If you ever watched Gilmore Girls, you kind of know what I'm talking about. Someone will say something, and it'll spark a chain of events in my head and I'll wind up saying something out of left field.
Fun example C: Someone will mention Matthew Perry and I'll start singing Highway To Hell. Why? This... Matthew Perry --> Perrie Edwards --> Edward Scissor Hands --> Hands of Heaven --> Heaven is a Place On Earth --> Earth, Wind, & Fire --> Fires of Hell --> Highway To Hell. And all that happens in about half a second.
So basically today I'm a barely breathing drone with a rocket with thoughts running thru my head. On the bright side... I have Nick Santino's new album. Man I love my repeat button!
Friday, June 20, 2014
Excited much?
Ok, 2 posts in 1 day probably won't happen like, ever again. I just had to update some things then rant for a minute. But... I changed the colour of my blog to green since the awareness ribbon for Bipolar Disorder is, well, green. Yeah. See what I did there? ;)
Ok, so I just got home from what has got to go down in history as the most awkward first date ever! Since I've always got a billion thoughts running thru my head, I tend to talk a lot when I get nervous and it's usually something absolutely ridiculous that I then have to cover for by saying something even worse. Worst part: I talk freely. No boundaries, no rules, no limit to the amount of pure stupidity spewing from my mouth. This is why I never get the second date. I come off as weird, and instead of giving it time and getting comfortable, guys just see weird and run. Nobody takes the time to get to know me anymore. I mean, in school, you were stuck with certain people so much that you got to know them and understand them. Now, the first impression is everything!
I. Don't. Make. A. Good. First. Impression.
I haven't actually made a new friend in years! I'll meet someone, like at work, and everything's great, until I get a little more comfortable... Yeah, I can be loud(ish), and I get bursts of uncontrollable energy, but it's not my fault and believe me, if I could control it, I most definitely would! But I can't! You get excited and you say "awesome!" When I get excited, I talk about it... a lot, and fast, and kinda loud. I get energy that I really wish would just go away. I literally can't think about anything besides whatever it is, which can make everything else difficult, if not impossible. Driving is loads of fun, let me tell you.
Fun example: I was listening to the radio, and this song came on that I really liked. I didn't know who did it and missed when they announced it. Next time it was on, I noticed it was One Direction (don't judge). So I looked it up on YouTube, and guess what... they're kinda cute. I watched more videos and "cute" turned into "hot." Welp... things escalated quickly and I now have a 1D calendar, Louis posters in my closet, and I'm pretty sure I know more about them than any 12-year-old girl in the world. This has been an episode of "Confessions of an Adult One Direction Fangirl."
FACT: Energy cannot always be contained. Learn before you judge.
Ok, so I just got home from what has got to go down in history as the most awkward first date ever! Since I've always got a billion thoughts running thru my head, I tend to talk a lot when I get nervous and it's usually something absolutely ridiculous that I then have to cover for by saying something even worse. Worst part: I talk freely. No boundaries, no rules, no limit to the amount of pure stupidity spewing from my mouth. This is why I never get the second date. I come off as weird, and instead of giving it time and getting comfortable, guys just see weird and run. Nobody takes the time to get to know me anymore. I mean, in school, you were stuck with certain people so much that you got to know them and understand them. Now, the first impression is everything!
I. Don't. Make. A. Good. First. Impression.
I haven't actually made a new friend in years! I'll meet someone, like at work, and everything's great, until I get a little more comfortable... Yeah, I can be loud(ish), and I get bursts of uncontrollable energy, but it's not my fault and believe me, if I could control it, I most definitely would! But I can't! You get excited and you say "awesome!" When I get excited, I talk about it... a lot, and fast, and kinda loud. I get energy that I really wish would just go away. I literally can't think about anything besides whatever it is, which can make everything else difficult, if not impossible. Driving is loads of fun, let me tell you.
Fun example: I was listening to the radio, and this song came on that I really liked. I didn't know who did it and missed when they announced it. Next time it was on, I noticed it was One Direction (don't judge). So I looked it up on YouTube, and guess what... they're kinda cute. I watched more videos and "cute" turned into "hot." Welp... things escalated quickly and I now have a 1D calendar, Louis posters in my closet, and I'm pretty sure I know more about them than any 12-year-old girl in the world. This has been an episode of "Confessions of an Adult One Direction Fangirl."
FACT: Energy cannot always be contained. Learn before you judge.
Bipolar 101
Bipolar Disorder (as defined by WebMD.com-- link below):Bipolar is a complex illness. There are many different symptoms -- and several different types -- of bipolar disorder. The primary symptoms of the disorder are dramatic and unpredictable mood swings. The various types of bipolar disorder range from mild to severe.
There are indeed many different types of bipolar disorder. Bipolar I, Bipolar II, Rapid Cycling, Cyclothymic, and Mixed Bipolar. Most people don't know that these different types exist, let alone what the differences are. Allow me to enlighten you.
Bipolar I- "The Cop Out" Basically depression with one, maybe two manic episodes in the person's life.
Bipolar II- "The 'Norm'" A relatively slow swing between depression and hypomania (never reaching full-blown mania).
Cyclothymic- "Cop Out: The Sequel" Basically BP II, but neither depression or hypomania/mania ever reaching extreme.
Mixed Bipolar- "Hell" When depression and mania occur simultaneously. Tons of ideas rushing through your head at 10x the speed of light, but absolutely no ambition to even get off the couch. This is my "normal."
Hi. My name is Charmaine, and I have Bipolar Disorder.
That was loads harder than I thought it would be. Even now I'm wondering if I should just scrap this whole thing. I've only told a handful of really close friends about this because I was (am) afraid of the responses I'll get, the way I'll be treated, and the stigmas that go along with mental illness.
Now, I'm not saying that what I'm going thru is any worse than what you're going thru, my goal is simply to educate people on what Bipolar really is as opposed to what the media portrays it as. I'm going to aim for at least one post per week, but as I said above... loads of ideas with no ambition to carry them out. I'll just post my thoughts and feelings (nothing offensive intended).
Today's thoughts (that sparked this whole blog thing to begin with)... Do you know what it's like to have nobody like you? I do. I can tell when I walk into a room whether or not I'm welcome. I mean, when you see people talking then they suddenly stop and look all uncomfortable when you come round? It doesn't take a genius to figure it out. I get it. I'm weird. I always have been. **I'm hungry, but I'm dead tired** **This is getting long and I'm dead tired**
Yep. Tired.
WebMD-BipolarDisorder
There are indeed many different types of bipolar disorder. Bipolar I, Bipolar II, Rapid Cycling, Cyclothymic, and Mixed Bipolar. Most people don't know that these different types exist, let alone what the differences are. Allow me to enlighten you.
Bipolar I- "The Cop Out" Basically depression with one, maybe two manic episodes in the person's life.
Bipolar II- "The 'Norm'" A relatively slow swing between depression and hypomania (never reaching full-blown mania).
Cyclothymic- "Cop Out: The Sequel" Basically BP II, but neither depression or hypomania/mania ever reaching extreme.
Mixed Bipolar- "Hell" When depression and mania occur simultaneously. Tons of ideas rushing through your head at 10x the speed of light, but absolutely no ambition to even get off the couch. This is my "normal."
Hi. My name is Charmaine, and I have Bipolar Disorder.
That was loads harder than I thought it would be. Even now I'm wondering if I should just scrap this whole thing. I've only told a handful of really close friends about this because I was (am) afraid of the responses I'll get, the way I'll be treated, and the stigmas that go along with mental illness.
Now, I'm not saying that what I'm going thru is any worse than what you're going thru, my goal is simply to educate people on what Bipolar really is as opposed to what the media portrays it as. I'm going to aim for at least one post per week, but as I said above... loads of ideas with no ambition to carry them out. I'll just post my thoughts and feelings (nothing offensive intended).
Today's thoughts (that sparked this whole blog thing to begin with)... Do you know what it's like to have nobody like you? I do. I can tell when I walk into a room whether or not I'm welcome. I mean, when you see people talking then they suddenly stop and look all uncomfortable when you come round? It doesn't take a genius to figure it out. I get it. I'm weird. I always have been. **I'm hungry, but I'm dead tired** **This is getting long and I'm dead tired**
Yep. Tired.
WebMD-BipolarDisorder
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