Hello

"Hi. My name is Charmaine."

An easy enough sentence. It's completely true, has no pretenses, and is the one thing that can't ever change. So why is it so difficult to get out?

I've always had a problem with social interaction, but lately, it's been getting worse. I tend to attribute my lack of social skills to my years as a bully's doormat. Between her and her cronies, I just expect everyone to use me, abuse me, or stab me in the back. In high school, I started to strike before they could, and I guess I just never let that go.

When I meet someone new, small talk is just not going to happen. I can't stand the whole, "What do you do? Where do you live? What are your hobbies?" I learned a long time ago that someone will only ask me about myself so they can use it against me, so now, when someone starts talking to me, I either freeze or, more often, say something so incredibly stupid (e.g. far from the original topic).

As you can imagine, this sets off alarms in the other person. She's weird. Is she slow? Is she trustworthy? The people who will talk to me for more than a couple of minutes are few and far between. When someone is patient with me, I don't know what to do. I can count the number of people who haven't made any assumptions about me in the last year using one hand. I recently started going to a new congregation ("ward" for Utahns), and every single finger I can hold up came from someone there.

Most people will never understand the feeling of pure terror someone with social phobia gets when around people. Going to the bank, ordering at a restaurant, even just a nod or smile to someone passing in the other direction makes me panic. My heart races, I can't breathe, my palms sweat, and I can't hardly stand because I'm shaking so badly.

So, since I can't seem to make a proper introduction in person, I'll do it here...

Hi. My name is Charmaine, but most people call me Rie.

I work part-time at the most amazing elementary school in the world as an aide for students who need a little extra help.

The only thing I'd ever give it up for is an opportunity to work as a crime scene photographer or clean-up. I was going to school for Criminal Psychology, but haven't been able to take classes for a few years.

Most of my hobbies revolve around music or criminology. I have played clarinet since I was twelve years old. Music is really everything to me. I own more music than most people know exists, but most of it is punk or indie. I also love to study serial killers and have quite a few true crime books in my library.

I have a hard time in social situations, and many times, I'll make an excuse to get out of going. I'll say things that sound weird or off the wall, but I promise, I know what's going on in my head. Someone has to, right? So please be patient with me, and I'll warm up.


"It's Time"~ Imagine Dragons