I've spent the better part of today looking into inpatient treatment programmes, and let me tell you, it's hard. The one everyone around here knows is booked to capacity and no one else will even tell me if they have an open bed. They insist o a referral from an emergency room or your psychiatrist. Why is this a problem? Because A~ I don't technically have a psychiatrist until the 20th, and B~ If I go to the ER without a life-threatening injury, Medicaid can deny it and I get stuck with the full bill.
Why am I looking at inpatient programmes? Because I can't do it on my own anymore. I know I have an appointment in two weeks, but every thought I have ends with me hurting myself somehow. It gets rather creative, if I do say so myself. Put your mind at ease, though. I have no actual plan, I just keep hoping that a truck will veer into my lane.
I'm beyond terrified, though. I'd be out of my comfort zone, around loads of people, and I wouldn't have access to music. Each of those individually will make me nervous, but put them together and you've got a bomb with an incredibly short fuse. That's the reason I can't be "blue sheeted." I need to know that I can get out whenever I want. With a blue sheet, I'd be there for at least three days. That's three days away from my bed, my room, my pillow, and my music. Everything that calms me down.
There are places that do what is called a "partial hospitalisation programme," where you are there for six hours per day and get to go home at night, but as I looked into those more, they're all for ages twelve through seventeen.
Trying to find anything in Utah is difficult. I searched "adult inpatient psychiatric" and almost all of the results were for substance addiction recovery or adolescent psychiatric units. I get that Utah has a "rose coloured glasses" view on the world, but seriously? This state is severely lacking in mental health assistance. Small wonder we rank highest in suicides.
I wish I could make my own lyric videos with the correct lyrics... Not sure if these are right, so just listen.
"Through The Dark"~ One Direction
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