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Sunday, March 29, 2015

All Access Trauma Pass

Wait, that's traumatic?

In therapy lately, we've been focusing on traumatic events in my life and the possibility of a dual diagnosis of Bipolar and PTSD. I'm still fighting this because, when I think of the word "trauma," I picture scenes from the TV show ER, not my life.

Things we talk about as traumatic events, don't even feel like they made much of an impact. Like, I grew up right close to a rather dangerous set of intersections. Three in a row are known for car wrecks. I've actually lost count of how many totaled cars I've seen there. Most are relatively minor (fender-benders, rollovers) with no major injuries, but there have been a few that were more serious.

Story (slightly graphic, so feel free to skip if you need to): My senior year of high school, there was some dip stick who thought that the speed limit wasn't fast enough and that the merge was more of a suggestion than a rule. so, going way too fast, he hit one car and ricocheted off a few others before finally stopping. The sound alone was horrifying. I was one of the first to get there and see the aftermath. I'll spare you the image, but to paint an idea, not everyone survived.

Besides all that, the bullying I had to endure day in, day out is considered a traumatic event in my life. I guess I can see that. It left me with major anxiety and serious trust issues. I have a really hard time making new friends because I feel like everyone is like that thing and has ulterior motives. I find myself questioning when someone new comes to talk to me. I'm trying to overcome that, but add in the social anxiety, and it's going to take some time.

There were a few others my therapist and I have talked about, but I really don't want to go there. My point is, you never know what could be considered a traumatic event. What was traumatic for me, may not be for you, and vice versa. I've seen a lot of things that I wish I could erase from my memory, and believe me, I've tried. I've always prided myself on my ability to suppress things like this, but apparently that's bad. I'm not excited to add something else to my diagnostic sheet, but if it'll help, I guess I'll have to face the music.

I miss this show...

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