Something New (Kind Of)

Just something I’ve been thinking about...

When I was tiny, I was the tantrum kid. Some called me a brat, others called me spoiled. I was always described as a light switch. Nobody knew why. Until now, that is.

I was born with Bipolar Disorder. That’s rare. Most people who wind up with it, do so in their mid-20’s. Some sort of psychotic break. I didn’t have that luxury. I didn’t get a normal childhood. I’ve never known anything else.

See, those tantrums had an actual cause. I was having feelings and emotions when I was even three years old, that most adults never have to experience. 

Spankings were fairly common for me. You can blame my parents all you want, but fact remains is that they simply didn’t know what was going on, and spanking was the way with their generation. You can’t go back in time and change that. But it did, in fact, cause other problems for me.

I was diagnosed with OCPD, just this week. What’s OCPD? It stands for Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. It’s not OCD in the sense that I have to flip a light switch six times when I get nervous, or repeatedly clean the same thing. From the very little I understand about it, it’s more about control. Control of myself, as well as needing to control everything and everyone around me.

One big thing is the need to follow rules. When I didn’t follow the rules, I was punished in what I experienced as excessive. “Excessive” is different in everyone’s unique experiences. Now, if someone doesn’t follow the rules, it irritates me to the point of anger. Driving too fast? You’re a jerk. Driving too slow? Get off the road, moron. Get “your” and “you’re” mixed? There’s no hope for you. Just stay off the internet.

Some things that those close to me may have noticed that indicate OCPD:

- Stiff, formal, or rigid mannerisms

- The overwhelming need to be punctual

- Extreme attention to detail

- Inability to share work out of fear it won’t be done correctly

- Fixation with lists

- Complete adherence to rules and regulations

- Overwhelming need for order

- A sense of righteousness about how things should be done

- Rigid adherence to moral and ethical codes

I was talking to a friend about this, and how it makes sense, no matter how much I didn’t want it to. But, now that I know, I can work on fighting it.  

Again, I understand very little. I mean, I only found out about this last Monday. What I read from one place stated that this is usually trauma-induced. Which definitely makes sense. And looking back, it seems to have been getting worse since my father retired, which increased both his narcissistic and hoarding traits. 

I’ve got a two-year plan to move out. I’ve been looking around at cities I could afford, and I’ve found some good small towns. I much prefer small towns, so here’s hoping I can do this!