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Friday, February 27, 2015

A Sinking Feeling

Can someone take my shovel, please?

I feel like I just keep digging myself into a deeper hole. I'm still depressed, and as I get farther down, I get more antisocial. I haven't been talking much, and when I do, it's quiet, muffled, and sounds angry. I have no appetite. I'm ridiculously tired but I can't sleep. I feel like I'm going to cry all the time. The list goes on.

Last time I met with my therapist, I explained that it's like walking through a dense forest. You can't see much, let alone a way out, but sometimes there's a bit of sun that breaks through. It's small and fleeting, but it's there. I actually hate those bits of sun because it reminds me of how I can't feel all the time (if that makes any sense). I mean, I'll be watching Gilmore Girls, and something funny will happen. I'll smile or laugh, but then it's right back down.

I am completely on my own. I've got no medications to help. It's getting so bad that I'm actually beginning to be afraid of myself. I've had more ideation thoughts in the last three days than I've had in the last three years. I need help, but I refuse to check myself in to any of the "treatment centers" here. They do far more damage than good.

I don't know what to do.

"Help"~ Bananarama (Beatles cover)

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