Lately, when we watch an older movie (like "Trip To The Moon" circa 1902), I'll say something to the effect of "they're dead now." Okay, fine... that's exactly what I say, but still... When we go to the cemetery, I tend to actually voice my envy for the, umm... residents. I think, however, that the thing that would frighten anyone is what I said the other day.
In Utah, we have two seasons: winter and construction. You can bet that, once the snow clears, almost every major road will be torn up for one pointless reason or another. Anyone who has driven through a construction zone knows the familiar sight of flagmen. They're the all powerful beings that you either praise for the "slow" sign, or curse when they turn it around to the "stop" side right in front of you. Since I have been looking for a new job, I mused that this job would be perfect for me. No social interaction, super easy, and pays quite a bit. My mom, always looking out for safety, said that there are some of these people who are hit, and even killed every year. My response? "Fine by me."
Was I being morbid? Yes. Was I also being serious? Definitely.
This goes right along with the conversation I had with a friend of mine a couple of days ago. I was telling her that I truly and honestly see no valuable future for myself. I don't see me ever holding a real job, getting an education, or even getting married. How can I do any of these things when just the thought of having to talk to someone gives me a panic attack? Better still, even when I can talk to someone, I'm so used to people judging and subsequently rejecting me that I strike before I can get hit. People don't tend to stick around when the person they just met is intentionally pushing them away.
I have folded in on myself to the extent where I've pushed practically everyone away. I rely on books and my own, slightly (*incredibly) twisted imagination for company. Most of my conversations with friends, even through text, are no more than ten minutes. On Facebook, I generally hit "like" and call it good. Even with people I've known for years, I'm absolutely terrified to talk because I don't want them judging me. Side note: I love that I can't talk directly to people, but I'm willing to put my innermost thoughts into a blog that hundreds of people read.
"Trip To The Moon"
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