There comes a time when you must stop thinking as a victim and start thinking like a survivor.
This is something I have said for quite a while, but have a hard time applying to myself at times. Most of the time, I don't think about my illness, but sometimes I just feel like the universe screwed me.
After nine months of working with my therapist (still the best one in the world!!!), I finally accepted my illness as a part of me, rather than a defining quality or even a separate entity. This was huge! Then came the diagnosis of PTSD. I'm still in Egypt on that (denial= the Nile), but every now and then it hits me in the face and I can't ignore it.
Fun example: A few years back, someone who I had always seen as this strong, indestructible person wound up in a coma. Side note: this is incredibly difficult for me to write. I rushed to the hospital where I saw this pillar of strength lying on a table with a breathing tube down the throat and tubes attached all over. For eight days, I went to the hospital and sat by the bed, praying for this person to not only survive, but to come back normal.
This story has a happy ending, but the image of that person on the table will forever haunt me. It intrudes my thoughts and turns dreams into nightmares.
Back to my point... When things keep getting piled on, it's easy to sit and pity yourself. I look at others who seem confident, have careers or families, or have loads of people who like them and I feel like, if I didn't have Bipolar Disorder or Anxiety that I would be just like them. I blame my circumstances for pretty much everything wrong in my life.
Feeling like a victim is OK on occasion, but making it a habit isn't. People always tell me how strong I am and I usually shut it down because I feel that my illnesses make me weak. The truth of it is, however, if you are living with a mental (or physical) illness, you are strong! If you're still breathing at the end of the day, you are a survivor!
"Stronger"~ Kelly Clarkson
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