A Broken Record

This post has been edited for those too sensitive to accept harsh truth.

I want to give up.

I have a tendency to daydream about things that I know will never happen, but lately, everything has been becoming real. In these daydreams, I'm smart, funny, and living in England (usually somewhere in Yorkshire), but the truth of it is, I'm none of those things and I'll never even get to visit my beloved country.

Just the realization of this has made me a super-pessimist this morning. I'm crabby, there's a strange man in my room (don't go there...), and I have to move half my stuff around just so he can fix my carpet. So, yes, I'm sitting here typing in my pajamas while some random guy is working on my floor. It's kinda funny once you imagine it, but I'm still crabby.

Not just the sudden, stabbing realization of every dream I've ever had going down the drain, it's just knowing that I'll never have the normal life. I'll never be able to live on my own, I'll more than likely never get married, basically, I'll never be what society sees as "normal," so what's the point?

Every day, I see people with severe cognitive impairments who rely on others for everything, and it just about kills me to know that I'm, in a way, exactly the same. What's worse is that this country doesn't care. I can't work anywhere near as much as it would take to sustain myself, but if I lived in Puerto Rico and said I couldn't speak English, my disability claim would be approved in no time (no joke or exaggeration). If I were a ten year old child whose parents said I had ADHD, same deal, but because I'm an adult doing the best I can with my circumstances, I get denied. I'm drowning, and if America doesn't care, why should I?

In my denial letter, it listed every single one of my diagnoses and then said that I can still perform normal work with no accommodation. Mind you, it listed "social anxiety and panic disorder." Nope. I don't need accommodation...

"Strong Enough To Break"~ Hanson (Again, I hate fan-made lyric videos because they're usually wrong, so just listen.)